I received a missive regarding Musashi Versus the MAN in the wee wee hours of the 17th…

hey some word for u
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 22:13:34 -0700
From: hvu3083@redshift.com
To: howard@accessgate.net

if u havent forgoten i wasnt scared of nighthawk i told him right in his face i would ban him so dont u try to say some bad crap about me i bet u love they way i dress and cant afford to dress like me can u?

Since the sender did not tell me who they were by character name, I can only assume that this can be none other than Lancelot, Arthurian knight and opponent of the evil Nighthawk! Thrilled to receive mail from such an illustrious pseudo-historical figure, I replied swiftly.

A message to the round table

Lancelot! I bid thee fair welcome, good paladin! I was a bit confused, as you neglected to indicate your character name in your missive, and your dialect is a bit strange, but fear not… your secret is safe with me!

As to the question of your courage, I am glad you chose to rectify any rumors about it. A lesser man might take such recourse as to try and debate his cause against his opponent, overcoming with reason and logic. Others, less well-spoken, might have challenged one’s foe to single combat, allowing mettle to decide the victor and, thus, the more just cause. However, YOU sir, have taken the path of the valiant “ban threat”. Surely only the most noble of cavaliers would take on the formidable challenge of hitting the GM call button and complaining about your enemy to the Red Gods, rather than sully your own hands with the responsibility of settling your dispute. How heartened I am that you cleared this up. I wouldn’t want anyone to believe that you were craven, or that your arguments were so pathetically feeble that you might find a need to resolve them out of the game context.

As to your raiments, however, I can only assume that in your desire to modestly hide your champion’s status, that you have disguised yourself as a common idiot to mislead the populace. Let us examine the ensemble. First, the garish emerald green doublet. While not horrible on its own merit, and indeed quite the statement for the village jester on the go, the straps from the somewhat gamey, furniture-scratching studded leather sleeves tend to offset the doublet’s “OK to drive” message. Next, the leather cap, useful for hiding the shame of a steel plate in one’s head but quite a faux pas in the world of high fashion, I fear. The undyed plain skirt says to the critic that this is a girl who commonly needs replacement of such a garment, perhaps because of frequent saturation with urine, and thus a girl who cares not to spend a great deal of time color-coordinating. The plain apron only serves to further this assessment, as the presence of such a disposable, absorbent accessory might serve to hide such an unfortunate accident for a few extra seconds, allowing a quick retreat to a changing-tent. As the uniform of a noble knight such as yourself, the outfit is a dismal failure. However, as the costume of a juvenile moron with a stuck caps lock key, it serves its purpose most admirably.

I would like to thank you once again for providing this opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings, and to make known the true nature of your bravery. Please do not hesitate to call upon me again should the need arise to once again show the world what manner of person you are. I bid thee well wishes in your continuing struggle against evil, and pray for the speedy cure of your speech affliction.

Your humble squire,


Why is it I only get this sort of mail late at night? Like I need to sleep any less than I already do.

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