(Note 3/25/2009) I found this in a dusty directory while preparing to move everything into WordPress. I don’t think I’ve ever published it, and for good reason. Reason be damned.
NEW!!! Two gaming giants, Origin Systems Incorporated, the makers of the unfathomably popular Ultima Online and Activision, the makers of the incredibly bug-free and well-supported Heavy Gear, have combined their marketing might to bring you the greatest, immersive, sense-pounding, massively multiplayer gaming experience ever, Ultimate Heavy Gear Online.
In Ultimate Heavy Gear Online, you play the part of a citizen of Terra Nova, the staging area for the original Heavy Gear game. However, this time you really get to experience life, not just in exciting tactical combat, but in a bunch of meaningless real-life situations as well! Start out as a lowly peasant in this world of high technology and chivalric honor, and make your way to financial solvency in any one of a number of skill-based professions, including janitor, plumber, mechanic, paperboy, and many more! Become one with the meaningless drudgery which fills the life of the average Terra Novan as you click mindlessly on graphical icons that are supposed to represent the tools of your trade for hours on end! (Tip for newbies: DON’T LEAVE TOWN. Just like in Ultima Online (and real life), once you leave town the police will ignore your pleas for help as murderous PK’s strike you down in an instant.)
After a mere 2 to 3 months of this exciting, fantastic, massively multiplayer interactive experience, you will probably have enough cash saved up in your bank to buy a modest gear, possibly an unarmored nonstealth Cheetah Mk1 with a light machinegun and an anti-personnel mortar. Now you can go adventuring! However, the Badlands are dangerous, and more likely than not you will find yourself under a hail of bazooka and anti-tank missile fire the moment you step outside of a guard zone, as bands of PK gear pilots in hacked gears strike you down without mercy and collect all of your gear’s scrap for salvage.
But never fear… it’s not over yet! In the tradition of Ultima Online, you can resurrect yourself in a hostpital in-town, and return to the world of the living… clad in rags, shivering, with no money or equipment, but alive, and start all over again. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
Ultimate Heavy Gear Online is slated for commercial release (alpha version) by Christmas of whatever year seems appropriate, with a MSRP of $99.00 plus $30 per month of play. Minimum system requirements are (currently) Pentium II 450MHz, 128MB RAM, 14GB free hard disk space, Voodoo2 SLI configuration 3d acceleration, and a dedicated T1 internet connection. The renowned technical support teams of Activision and Origin have promised that bug fixes and patching will begin even before the game is released, and will continue until they can’t fool anyone anymore, and that trained counselors will be on hand to answer player’s questions 24 hours a week (when they aren’t PK’ing in disguise).
At Origin, we listen to our customers. We hear the complaints of those who fell for our "role-playing" BS when Ultima Online was created, the whining about PK’s and k3wLd0oDz ruining the "Ultima experience". We also listen very carefully to those who kill lam3rz with abandon, exploiting our bugs… erm, secrets… in order to become nigh-invincible while we sit around and do nothing about it, as of course these individuals comprise an enormous part of our fanbase. In order to try and satisfy both parties, and to boost our flagging sales as Everquest and poor support erodes our customer base, we now present UO Lite.
UO Lite is an adaptation of Ultima Online which allows players to get right down to roleplaying without macroing forever, speaking to anyone in-game, creating a character, or any of that other nonsense. Nope, jump right in and within seconds you are running around maps of various areas of Sosaria, snatching up weapons and armor and stuff, killing other players, and taking their stuff! Now THIS is high fantasy!
In order to cut lag, many objects which were deemed unnecessary were done away with, minimizing packet transfers in this fast-paced RPG experience. Currently, the list of available equipment is as follows: Viking Sword, Halberd, Bow, Heavy Crossbow, Corp Por, Blue Armor, Yellow Armor, Red Armor, and Quad Damage.
UO Lite will be available as soon as someone writes the mod for it (which I actually want to happen). Versions are planned for role-players of all sorts, from those using the Quake II engine to those using the Unreal engine.