Continuing my exercise in self-loathing, I now continue generating my "character." This starts with reading about a page’s worth of description regarding the inferiority of women in just about every imaginable way. Now, I won’t really debate the history of feminine perceptions and roles historically, but our hero Byron Hall throughout his so-called "book" ignores every perk and protection gained as the single most valuable factor in the population (namely, having a population at all) and goes right to the slavery, submission, rape^100, and fantasy elements of lonely disturbed little boys everywhere that would get them laughed right out of the Eulenspiegel Society, should they ever leave their basements. But I digress. On with our completely logical character generation system, which is mathematically superior and historically accurate. THE DICE NEVER LIE.
Age: -2.6 years ((4d100=112)/5 – 25)
Um. Oh wait, it’s supposed to be an absolute value, which makes the age system completely believable. I have a 2.6 year old player character. Sure, this makes sense. Aren’t the "terrible twos" when children start causing trouble and acting out? My poor character better watch it though, as females are supposed to be submissive, and apparently violating societal norms can get me in legal trouble. An age of 2 puts me right between the "Infant" and "Child" categories for my race… oh wait, females get a 1d10% longer lifespan. See? Sexual equality at last! Too bad there are no rules for how this affects the player character. I can’t be bothered to figure out which way to round for the modifiers applicable to infants or children, so I’ll just assume "infant." Can’t wait for my first melee combat!
Infant Modifiers: Height 40%, Weight 40% (sure, mass changes linearly with height), Hair Length -70, Foot Size 40%, Head Circumference 70%
Height in Inches: 19.2", or 1’7.2" (((6d4=12)+36)x40%)
This might seem to be a handicap, but according to the author: "Height also affects Weight, Strength, and Bodily Attractiveness (see Chapter 3: Abilities) for males, or Weight and Strength for females. Therefore, taller males tend to be stronger, better looking, and weigh more." It’s slightly disturbing to me that in the author’s mind, my infant female kobold might be weak and light, but can still be awesomely hot.
On the table that immediately follows, it is stated that I get -1lb weight and -1 strength for every inch shorter, and +3lb weight and +2 strength for every inch taller. Taller or shorter than what? Average height for the category? How does this apply to my 2 year old baby girl character? I’m not sure it’s really that important since she probably can’t get a job in this system anyway. At any age.
Weight in Pounds: 6 (((2d6=12)+63)x40%)
This is surprisingly low, even though I rolled maximum fatness for weight. Still, this height and weight for a human baby at 2 years old would probably mean a call to Child Services. I couldn’t find any historical data for kobolds though, so I’ll have to rely on the authors’ "research."
There follows another table that doesn’t make sense… read literally, I get a -1 too Strength since I weigh at least 3lbs. less than average for my sex/race, but not for every 8lbs. less. The authors must have worked this out pretty carefully, as you can tell from one of their many unbelievably long and variably-well sourced footnotes:
Height and Weight of various fantasy races have been computed by consulting biology, physiology, and zoology textbooks that refer to the Cube-Square Law, and the proportions to larger and smaller creatures. For example, as a creature increases proportionately in size, its surface area increases by a ratio of the difference in Height squared, but the Weight increases by the ratio of the difference cubed.
Okay then, what the fuck about the 40% height = 40% weight thing for babies? Whatever. Soldiering on to an undeniably important stat, my baby’s BMI:
BMI: 11.474609375 ((6/19.2^2)x705)
I now get a bonus to my bodily attractiveness score, since I’m so unbelievably underweight. All female characters in F.A.T.A.L. get bonuses for underweight characters, and penalties for overweight characters, according to BMI. Byron Hall must have a lot of Kate Moss posters taped over his bed. I am tempted to speculate on whether or not he pleasures himself to those late night commercials for Feed the Children, but I’m getting my full USRDA of Bad Taste just by reading this crap. Anyway, my emaciated yet still fat infant kobold gets a +165 bonus. Shudder.
Most Attractive Feature: Buttocks (81), +1d10(+9) to Bodily Attractiveness
Most Repulsive Feature: Mannerisms (98), -1d10(-2) to Kinetic Attractiveness
"I love big butts and I cannot lie, but fuck you for looking."
Skin Color: Silvery White (no roll)
Hair Color: Auburn (34)
Hair Length: <4" or neck length (10-70)
Hair Thickness and Type: Thick, curly and oily ((1d100=94)+8+10-74), -1d8(-7) facial charisma
"Okay, you can look at my ass." It’s just bizarre that the system imposes specific charisma modifiers for your haircut. Like you can never change it. What, everyone in the F.A.T.A.L. world has exactly the same preferences in every possible appearance modifier? I guess so.
Keep in mind I haven’t even rolled for my attributes yet. Awesome.
Eye Color: Brown (21)
Vision: Perfect natural vision (26)
Facial Features: Nose, big (83); weak and curious, -1d4(-1) facial charisma
Freak of Nature: Nope (rolled 401331 on a 1d1000000)
Aww… Interestingly there are only 5 freak of nature types, and most of them are really not that freaky. The game equated having a funnel/pigeon chest, an extra nipple, or polydactyly with being a hermaphrodite. Where’s my Proteus syndrome? This was one of the things that baffled Wen about this system: "Rules for countless boring mundane professions, half-assed recipes for pages and pages, calculations to see whether or not you can comfortably fit a fire hydrant up your ass, and only 5 freak traits?"
Enough about that, here come the really disturbing rolls, and still no attributes.
Areola Diameter: 1/2" ((1d100=9)-30)
Areola Hue: Medium (1d100=57), +1d4(+2) to bodily attractiveness
There’s no rules for when this modifier comes into play, so I have to imagine that all women have to walk around all the time with their tits out. Another fearsome glimpse into the dark worldview of the game "designers."
Cup Size: AA ((1d100=56)=75), -2d10(-9) to bodily attractiveness
Head asplode. Another awesome footnote:
"1. A scholarly study on female human bust size indicates that both males and females prefer a female with a medium bust size (Kleine & Staneski, 1980)."
If so, then why do females get -2d10 for AA, -1d10 for A, no modifier for B, +1d10 for C, and +2d10 for D? Strangely, there’s no modifier for cup sizes over D, which goes to show you that there’s at least one fetish that doesn’t consume the authors.
Nipple Inversion: No (98)
Nipple Length: 1/4" ((1d100=72)-50)
Starting to feel queasy? The worst is just ahead…
Vaginal Circumference: 3-4" ((1d100=26)-95)
There’s a helpful table to apply the modifiers to this all-important stat roll, but it’s not too clear on some of its qualifiers. Most specifically, there are variable modifiers to your roll if the character is a Mother, a Nymphomaniac, or a Slut. Forget that we have no idea whether or not any of these apply as there are no rules for any of them yet, but the entry for the Slut modifier reads "+ 1 to + 20 (1d20 if unsure)." The implication is that all female characters are sluts, and if you’re not sure exactly how slutty, just roll 1d20! I went ahead and bypassed this modifier for my 2 year old, but if she ever sees play, I’m going to search the PDF for appropriate modifiers per skill point put into Kegel exercises.
Vaginal Depth Potential in Inches: 1.936" (1.6+(2d20=21)%)
I’m not even sure this is accurate. I would try to look it up, but I don’t want to go to jail; there’s a chance Byron might be my cellmate someday.
Tongue Length= 1/2" ((1d100=74)-80)
Yes, this game has a numerical die roll modifier for the calculation of tongue length if you are an infant.
Anal Circumference Potential in Inches: 3-4" ((1d100=76)-90)
Once again: Accustomed to anal sex + 1 to + 20 (1d20 if unsure).
I know it’s already been done to death, but I can’t help it: From the following page:
"A vagina or anus that is stretched to twice its limit results in the necessity of a Health check at TH 20. If this check fails, then death occurs. If successful for a female character, then the skin between the vagina and anus rips and the 2 orifices effectively become one."
From the unintentionally hilarious rebuttal by the game’s authors to a hilariously scathing review:
"For example, my wife studies bioengineering and used to be a model."
There is a clear and obvious lie here, juxtaposing the unbelievable contention that a ripped vaginal opening will somehow magically bypass layers of muscle and other tissue as well as a good deal of bone and somehow cause a woman to have a cloaca, alongside the assertion that the author’s wife is a student of a biological specialty. The lie is of course that the author cannot possibly have a wife.
Hymen Resistance: 73
Jesus wept. There are rules to determine when this stat comes into play. It is immediately followed by roles for pregnancy likelihood, menstruation, and infant mortality. Not sure exactly how this affects the ongoing exercise of character generation, but it’s in keeping with the book’s structural basis of stream of consciousness writing as experienced by Beavis and Butt-Head. Only not as funny. Or marketable.
Unfortunately as I was unsuccessful in gaining the trait of Hermaphrodite, I have to now bypass the rolls for determining the length and circumference of my Manhood. (The use of the term Manhood instead of penis, of course, being the authors’ attempt at discretion.)
Foot Size: 4-4.4" ((1d100=91), resultx40%)
Originally I made this calculation according to the table, where I took a -320 to the die roll for her height, and wound up with a foot length of 7-8". I had forgotten about the infant modifiers from about 2 hours (and seemingly 12 years) earlier, and was picturing all infants in the world of F.A.T.A.L. having big cartoon extremities, which would have at least added some humor value to this exercise. Any value at all would be welcome about now.
Fist Circumference: 4-4.4"
Handedness: Right (98)
Head Circumference: 15.97848" (1d100=98, result 24.12×0.97, decrease (1d100=6) by (1d100=57) hundredths of an inch, product x70% for age)
That’s 7 calculations or table lookups or rolls to produce a stat which is used in case my 2 year old wants to buy a hat.
For unknown reasons, there not follows a long set of charts and tables that once again have to do with pregnancy. I’m too bored and angry to see whether or not it contradicts the earlier section on pregnancy, or the innumerable future sections on pregnancy that are sure to follow.
"If a character’s Health sub-ability is not high enough, then they have at least 1 allergy (see Chap. 3: Abilities)."
Barring the logical fallacy that all unhealthy people have allergies and all healthy people do not, WHY NOT PUT THIS SECTION AFTER I DETERMINE MY HEALTH? Or any attribute whatsoever? Brain hurts.
That’s okay. What comes next is a bunch of tables and charts that have to do with alcohol consumption and getting drunk, smoking marijuana (which is apparently addictive, which alcohol is not), psychedelic mushrooms, and pages on pages of diseases, before I come to chapter 3, which is where my abilities get determined. But not right now. I can’t take any more at this moment.