Warning:  The game discussed in this post is NSFW, and probably NSFAnywhere.  It tops the charts of "Worst RPG Ever," even beating out the reprehensible "Racial Holy War," which is an unfinished and unplayable game about inbred white supremacists gunning down ethnic stereotypes (if there were any actual combat rules).  If you don’t care about tabletop RPGs, this will probably not interest you.  If you are actively anti-RPG, I recommend you simply go watch Mazes and Monsters again.  I cannot possibly review it… well, maybe I will later, but it’s already been done in epic style, with a similarly epic response from the game "designers."

Instead, I’m going to try and create a character for it.

Seriously, this is the worst game I have ever seen, and I’ve read the rules for The World of Synnibarr.  I forget exactly how I ran into it, probably just googling for "Worst RPG Ever."  The unbelievable flamewars that erupted from merely mentioning its title on rpg.net constitutes the majority of the game’s advertising, none of it any good.  I knew I had to read it for myself.

Regrettable.

Reviewer: So, basically, FATAL is the date rape RPG.

Mouth-Breather Designer: Another faulty conclusion drawn by Darren. Where is dating included?

Anyway, as much as I loathe F.A.T.A.L., I will try to hold back from reviewing the game in one shot, and just let you draw your own conclusions from my attempts to generate a character.  There will probably be several posts, as I can only take so much of this book at once.  If you’d like to try yourself, feel free to head over to TVTropes and join the F.A.T.A.L. megathread, already in progress.

Hmm, I’ll use the Map Tool die roller for this since I can enter insane die types like d100million, which apparently I’ll need. Curiously nobody has developed a Map Tool F.A.T.A.L. framework yet. That could be awesome, but I don’t want to be picked up by Sex Crimes for distributing it.

OK, race: Kobold (65). Apparently this means that I am a lazy short person who might know how to do some sort of useful work, but wants to enslave naked human females to do it for me instead of just doing it myself. Seems appropriate for the system. I really wanted to roll on that insane Anakim table, but the dice never lie.

I also apparently hate all other races. Oh, I have to roll on that too.

How much I hate everyone: Anakim: Hate (20) (jealous of their baby vomit table); Bugbear: Indifference (10) (I’m okay with hairy spout-holes); Dwarf, Black: Hate (13); Dwarf, Brown: Hate (13); Dwarf, White: Hate (15); Elf, Dark: Hate (25); Elf, Light: Hate (13); Humans: Hate (18); Kobold: Prefer (16); Ogre: Hate (25); Ogre, Cliff: Hate (22); Ogre, Gru…

At this point I lose my place as I have to scan to another page to find out what "Gru." means, which means being hopelessly lost since it’s almost 1k pages long. I tell myself it’s worth it for historical accuracy. Apparently "Ogre, Gru." is a gruagach, a Scottish house-elf like the ones who make shoes at night. Good thing they know your foot size, probably measured just before they rape you in your sleep.

… Ogre, Gruagach: Dislike (13) (I like shoes); Ogre, Kinder-Fresser: Hate (16); Troll, Borb…

WTF. "Borbytingarna." The Ultimate Fighters of the F.A.T.A.L. world, apparently, using wrestling and brawling instead of weapons before they tenderize unconscious enemies by flailing them around for 1d100 rounds. There’s a helpful "illustration" at the bottom of page 32 of one, I guess, picking the nose of one of its victims while two guys with mallets react by running away and acting out the "Stop In the Name of Love" dance.

… Troll, Borbytingarna: Hate (18); Troll, Hill: Hate (18); Troll, Subterranean: Hate (26).

So I hate everyone except other Kobolds, Bugbears, and shoemaker ogres. They probably don’t like me either, and according to page 36, call me Holer, Shiner, or SPEAR-CHUCKER. WTF Byron Hall. I suppose he had to slip something in there since he removed stuff like the Jewwy Jewbacca armor from the version I have. I think it did something like makes your nose big, shrinks your Manhood(TM) and makes you fight to the death for a coin. I’m also not sure why a Germanic-origin race would be called SPEAR-CHUCKER, but it must be historically accurate. Whatever.

Okay, now for the single roll that determines whether or not my character is worth anything at all in this game, the all-important gender roll, which is where I get to find out if I can possibly do something interesting or am just a walking Assault Me target. But wait… where’s the table? According to the author:

"However, the random determination of gender is problematic if a group of players are involved because random genders may be inappropriate."

  1. I don’t see how this is a problem, as I can’t imagine a group of people playing F.A.T.A.L.
  2. HEAVEN FORFEND WE SHOULD DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE INAPPROPRIATE IN A RAPE FANTASY GAME THAT INCLUDES CALCULATIONS FOR ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE.

The dice never lie, so I want to go random. This means I now have to go to Chapter 6: Sociality. Is that even a word? Also, my PDF doesn’t have chapter marks. Grr. Alright, I went ahead and found the chapter, landing smack dab in the middle of some society descriptions ripped right out of the 1st edition AD&D DM’s Guide (which until now I had considered the most inanely detailed RPG manual ever devised) and the Ten Commandments of Chivalry or something, with some courtly love tables thrown in for good measure. I finally find the sex table, on the same page that will eventually tell me whether or not I enjoy a nice Cleveland Steamer on my nights off.

Sex: Female (47)

… Well, crap. Should I stop rolling now?

 

 

3 Responses to “The Worst Tabletop RPG of All Time: Character Creation part I”
  1. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. Jesus, Mu. I know you’re bored, but self-harm isn’t the way to amuse yourself. D:

  2. Car wreck still in progress… can’t look away…

  3. is the HYBRID madness actually continuing? :( http://hybrid-rpg.blogspot.com/

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