This totally derivative adventure is blatantly based on the G1 module by Gary Gygax for Advanced Dungeons and Dragons (the good edition). Like the original, it promises a flimsy premise and much slaughter. Characters may be of any type, and technically of any number, although 3-6 is suggested.
Breading of the Krill Giant Chef
A Macho Women with Guns! adventure for 3-6 killing machines by Howard Collins
The contents of this page are (c) 1998 by Howard Collins
Part One: The Fight!
No introduction, no nothing; the party starts out in a fight! Immediately tell everyone to place their counters out on the hexmap with no explanation. They can be wherever they want to. Once this is done, randomly place 2 Salivating Sexists on the board for every party member. Immediately begin combat! The 10-second “think about something to do” experience penalty rule is in effect, remember.
Part Two: Canned Aftermath
Once the battle is done, you breathe heavily and prepare yourself for the canned aftermath. *ahem*
After surveying the carnage and making whatever Patch Things Up rolls you wish to, you realize that the bloody chunks of Salivating Sexists about you are making you a bit hungry. Looking around, you scan the horizon, fortunately sighting the silhouette of Luva Dolphin’s All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Shack and Armory. Most of you who know this area recognize this establishment as the finest eatery in the whole area; those who aren’t recognize it as the ONLY eatery in the whole area. Packing up your weapons, you trudge over in your stiletto pumps across the flatlands.
An indeterminate amount of time later, you wind up at the front doors. This is a large establishment, and you hear the sounds of many satisfied customers from inside. However, upon opening that double oak doors, you are surprised to see that there appear to be NO diners in the place. Every table is empty right now, and you see only a few Macho Women hanging out at the bar, apparently waiting for their tables to be ready, in addition to the nondescript men that you barely notice tidying up the place.
As you are looking around, an old wizened man in a robe walks slowly up to you. He appears to be holding a map out to you, and just before you can see whether or not this male scum could possibly have anything worth looking at, he stops short, his eyes wide in surprise, just before he falls face forward, a butcher’s knife buried to the hilt between his shoulder blades.
Behind him, standing and shaking her head, is Luva Dolphin, the proprietor. Standing about 5’10” with resplendent 60” topheavy double d’s, her blonde hair smelling faintly of hyacinth and cordite. “Take this away,” she says with a wave, and two degenerate males scurry up and drag off the old man’s carcass. “Damn adventure maps…”
She turns to you. “Sorry about that interruption. Welcome to my restaurant. Uhh… we’re a little backed up now, but you can have a seat at the bar while you wait…” You notice as she says this to you, she is shifting uncomfortably, as if she is trying to block your view of the empty seats and tables with her mammoth breasts; in fact, anyone who fails to make a Macho-3 (Macho –6 for Hardwired characters) roll fails to notice the lack of dining patrons. (Roll now, ladies.)
(Yes, of course the party already knows that there are no patrons back there, but what the hell. Another testament to badly ordered descriptive dialogue in canned adventures.)
Eventually, the players can find out that Luva Dolphin’s All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Shack and Armory is in fact completely out of seafood! A band of raiding creatures, between 9½ and 12 feet tall with heads like brine shrimp, captured the seafood truck as it was making its delivery and took it all away far to the mountains to the north! If the players will only go and punish those who have taken their supplies, Luva Dolphin promises them free food at her place for an indeterminate amount of time, as well as some experience points.
Assuming the characters agree to go, they can head over to the munitions dump by the bathrooms and replace any ammunition they may have expended in their fight with the sexists. In addition, if the characters make a Spot Obvious roll, they may spy a nice weapon or two behind the counter that they may make a Seduce Creature or Prositylization roll to acquire from the poor males behind the counter.
The Hall, Upper Level
The home of the Krill Giants is a large wooden structure above ground that looks much like a log-cabin International House of Pancakes. Smoke billows from a large chimney, and the whole place has a slightly fishy smell to it.
Note Regarding the Doors in the Hall
All doors here are krill-giant sized and will reuire the characters to stand on their tippy-toes to open. If any of the characters attempt to do something cautious like listen at a door, they will immediately be attacked by an earlobe seeker, which is a disembodied mouth and tongue which magically appears out of the doorway, making an immediate Macho attack of 20 on the listening character. If the character fails the Macho save (adjusted) by 1 to 4, she is grossed out and cannot do anything that turn, and the earlobe seeker will attack again next turn. If the character blows it by 5 or more, she will like what the Earlobe Seeker is doing and try her best to let it continue as she sighs in pleasure. Once this happens, the Earlobe Seeker will begin to grow body parts, and in 3 turns of this will turn into a full-fledged Salivating Sexist, whom the affected character will try and protect unless she makes another macho roll at –3 (Hardwired characters make unmodified rolls).
The doorway opens by making a Strength roll by 5, or by blowing it open with explosives or gunfire. In the hall are 5 No-Balls, waxing the floor. If the characters do not attack them right away, the will eventually notics them there and start muttering to each other. "Adventurers! Not again!" "What should we do?" "Maybe we should get them!" "Wait, maybe they’re high-level fighters and can attack us once per experience level per turn!" "I’m not gonna wash this floor again!" "My ½ hit die! My poor ½ hit die!" etc. etc. Any character moving more than one hex per action will have to make a Dexterity – (additional hexes) roll in order to avoid slipping and falling and losing their action in an undignified position. The No-Balls know this, and very carefully tiptoe around the hallway so as not to fall, unless they are compelled to run away, in which case they take their chances.
With the exception of the splintering wooden logs in the walls and the dank fishy odor here, this isnt too bad a place. There are some nice oversized couches here, and a little podium with a bored-looking Krill giant behind it (the maitre’d) wearing a fancy silk bowtie and cummerbund over his rancid whaleskin armor. He will ask the party if they have any reservations (perfect opp for bad puns). There are also 4 No-Balls here and 4 Porcs here, No-Balls dusting in little french maid outfits and Porcs trying to steal mints and breadsticks off of the podium. With a Spot Obvious roll, the characters may discover that in addition to the weapons the occupants have, the breadsticks are stale and large enough to work as +1 damage melee weapons (1 enc), and the mints are likewise stale and may be thrown like rocks (+1 damage, enc 1).
There are 2 bathrooms off of the lobby, men to the right, women to the left. There are no monsters in here. The men’s room is a disgusting, foul place that all characters entering must make a Macho-3 roll to avoid running away from (-8 for squeamish characters). The ladies’ room is perfectly clean and tiles, with soft string quartet music playing in the background and enough cosmetics and perfumes to allow a character to temporarily add 1 to appearance (and remove the effects of being slimed, if any) if they spend the time trying to freshen up.
Carnage city. Here there are 8 Porcs and 2 Krill Giants, waiting to be killed. The giants are sitting around and gnawing on bones, and the Porcs are standing in a small group waiting to die. Spot Obvious reveals that two of the serving implements, a large carving fork and knife, are each sharp enough to act as 2 enc +4 damage things in melee combat.
Mounted on the wall is a +1 longsword, labeled as such. It has 3 wishes and treasure finding ability. However, since the longsword does not exist in the MWwG world, anyone who wants to use it must do so at her default dex-3 skill level. In addition, the wielder of the sword must roll to hit on a d20 instead of 3d6. The Wish spell does not exist in the MWwG universe either, and any attempt to use a Wish should result in chortling and cackling from the referee. Treasure finding works, but will only annoy the players, as it will lead them to useless piles of gold and gemstones instead of dead bodies (the only real currency). Hitting with the sword will do from 1-8 points of damage per hit on woman-sized or smaller critters, or 1-12 versus larger than woman-sized (determined randomly each hit).
To the left of the room is a door labeled, "Wandering Monsters This Way" (spot obvious to see it). To the right is a more obvious doorway with foreboding stairs going down, labeled, "TO THE KITCHENS"
Every time the party steps through the door, a random monster will appear in the room to fight them and be looted. Encountered creatures will fight and pursue; if some are left in the room, they will still be there if the party re-enters (along with new enemies). A spot obvious roll in random encounters will yield what the creatures were carrying, plus the GM may say that they have some sort of random letter on them (referring to a treasure type, of course). Roll once for type, then again for the specific critter encountered.
1 1d6 Killer Rabbits
2 1d6 Puppies of Tindalos
3 1d6 Hellkittens
4 4 Kindergarten Kleptomaniac Kung-Fu Kangaroos (may only be encountered once)
5 1d3 Na*i H*ll Sm**fs
6 1 Crow with a Machine Gun
3-4 Indigenous Monsters
1 2d6 No-Balls
2 2d6 No-Balls
3 1d6 Porcs
4 1d6 Porcs
5 1d3 Krill Giants
6 1d3 Drolls
5-6 Humans (sort of)
1 1d6 Salivating Sexists
2 1d6 Soccer Hooligans
3 1d6 TV Evangelists
4 1d6 Drunken Frat Boys
5 1d6 Chauvinist Swine
6 1d6 Psychotic Santas
At the other end of the room is a badly concealed door; everyone may make a Spot Obvious-3 to find it, or Spot Obvious unmodified if they read the sign at the bottom of the stairs. The door is cleverly hidden behind another door off its hinges, which the party strangely overlooked earlier. If the whole party manages to blow this roll, they get another Spot Obvious every time they re-enter the room (and fight more random monsters).
Stairway to the Kitchen
This foreboding and dark stone staircase leads down. Roll tons of dice, and ask the players what their macho is, or if any of them has spot obvious, then roll a lot more dice. Nothing happens, and when they get to the bottom of the stairs, they find the iron door chained shut with a sign on it that says, “Temporarily closed. Use alternate access through the Wandering Monsters for the time being.”
The REAL Stairway Down
Through the badly concealed door in the Wandering Monster room, the group can go down a somewhat rickety stairway into a small landing with a door. Through this door are the Monster Sleeping and Killing Rooms.
The Hall, Lower Level
Monster Sleeping and Killing Rooms
A short hallway with 4 doors (2 on each side), one door where it is entered through the stairs, and another door at the other end leading to the kitchens.
Near Right Door: 3 Krill Giants
Far Right Door: 3 Krill Giants
Near Left Door: 5 Drolls
Far Left Door: 10 Porcs
This is where Can’t-Remember-His-Name-From-the-Module, Chef of the Krill Giants, works on his recipes, along with 2 Drolls and 4 Porcs all in little chef uniforms. He is the de facto leader of the Krill Giants, but really is kind of a coward and would rather spend his time cooking, but he has been coerced into his puppet leadership position by Eclavadavaralavada, the foremost noble of the Dark Elves. When pressed, he will explain all of this in a sniveling manner, referring to her as a pig and saying, “It’s the Fault of the Sow!” (+1 experience point to any player who gets this pun on the D3 module.)
There are two doors out of here, one which is locked up which leads through the stairway, and the other into a meat locker filled with the stolen fish, all of which has begun to go a bit bad. Of course, the Krill giants don’t notice the smell, since they are a bit stinky themselves. Obviously this cannot be returned to Luva Dolphin’s All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Shack and Armory.
However, if they convince the Krill Giant Chef to fork it over, or if he thinks of it to save his miserable hide, or if they kill him and then make a Spot Obvious roll, they may notice in the corner a small box, filled with the most fantastic-tasting (yet still a bit fishy) bread crumbs with a piece of paper taped to it. The paper is written in Krill Giant launguage, and so a Do Technical Stuff roll is necessary to interpret it as “The Breading of the Krill Giant Chef” (ba-dum bum). This recipe and the sample of the breading will make up for the characters’ inability to retrieve the fish from the hall, and will result in them getting lots of free food (and some experience points).
As described in the MWwG rules.
First attack is an opening line on closest woman, treat as Macho Attack, level 16. After this they use Hit on Things-14, non-lethal damage 2.
These little critters (-3 to be hit) magically pop out of dungeon doors when character try and listen at them. Disembodied mouths and tongues, they will immediately attempt to nibble and lick at the listener’s ear, which counts as a macho attack of 20. If the target fails to save by 1 to 4, she is grossed out and cannot do anything that turn, and the Earlobe Seeker will keep nibbling. Once the character blows the Macho roll by 5 or more, she likes the Earlobe Seeker’s actions and will make no more saves for 3 turns as she sighs in contentment. During these 3 turns, the earlobe seeker will grow body parts until it turns into a Salivating Sexist. The affected character must then make a Macho-3 roll (straight Macho for hardwired characters) in order to resist the urge to protect the Salivating Sexist from harm.
Kindergarten Kleptomaniac Kung-Fu Kangaroos
A variety of 3 Adjectives and an Animal. These 4 kangaroos in black kung-fu outfits are named Ted, Jeffrey, Jack, and Charles (their leader, of course).
Natural armor 2
Charles (odd tattoo on forehead): Machete-18 damage 3 and Uzi-16 damage 2 (x10)
Jack (old cloak and hat and english accent): Knife-18 damage 2 and Thrown Knife-16 damage 1
Jeffrey (wears a bib and glasses): Flatware-18 damage 2 and Thrown Fork-16 damage 1
Ted (tasteless clown costume): Baseball Bat-18 damage 3 and Glock 17-16 damage 2
Pathetic little creatures used to do manual labor around the hall. If ordered to, they will attack with their claws, which do no damage. If pressed, they will just dodge a lot. In addition, they are small (-3 to be hit) so they can make the party waste a lot of ammo.
Strength 8 Hit Things-9 damage 0
Pig-headed generic 1HD cannon fodder monsters. They carry swords and shields.
Sword-12 damage 4 (lethal)
Shield +1 to Block, armor 2, 3 in 6 chance the shield will be in position to block any particular attack
Looking exactly like the prototypical trolls from AD&D, except that their vocabulary seems to run towards dry humor and exasperated expressions. They attack either with their claws, at +2 Hit Things skill and lethal damage of 3, or by making a droll comment, which counts as a Macho Attack against the players.
Drolls have an inherent armor of 1; in addition, unless they are killed by a margin of 2 or more, they are merely scattered and spend one turn re-forming while they complain about it in a dry and witty manner. Drolls which are killed completely (that is, through the armor and past the 2-level regeneration) do not come back and count as kills, although the head may hang around for a while and make ironic observations for a while.
They have NO effective armor or regeneration vs. fire attacks, but as soon as the players use fire against them they will make wry comments about cheating players reading the Monster Manual for the information.
Hit Things-11 damage 3 (lethal)
Natural Armor of 1 (except vs. fire)
Regeneration (except vs. fire)
Creatures standing between 9½ and 12 feet tall, appearing much like hill giants from D&D with big shrimp heads. They smell like brine from a distance and reek of crustaceans up close and fight with big clubs. They can also throw dinner rolls (which also smell a little salty). Because of their size, they require 2d6 to kill, but are +3 to be hit. They also wear rancid endangered dolphin and whale skins over their bodies giving them no protection against anything but good hygiene and political correctness.
In addition, each Krill Giant has a bag, which contains smelly oversized underwear, used dental floss, and some other foul and utterly useless stuff. One player may search any one bag for something more useful. A successful Spot Obvious roll will yield some randomly picked bit of stuff from the Things Which Might Be Useful table; a success by 5 or more yields ammunition which is coincidentally enough to fill up that character’s weapons (or one of them) up to original capacity. A critical success yields something really cool and useful (a big gun, super high-tech armor, a motorcycle, whatever).
Big Club-10 damage 6 (enc 2, 2 hands for normal creatures)
Fishy Dinner Rolls-10 damage 3, characters hit in the head must roll Macho – damage to avoid being grossed out for one action (1/2 turn)
The Krill Giant Chef
Leader of the Krill Giants, Chef Can’t-Remember-His-Name-From-The-Module is fat and ugly even compared to the other Krill giants. Although a powerful fighter, he is really a coward and only plays the role of being a war leader so that the other Krill Giants don’t get pissed at him. His only love is cooking, which he is bad at, but better than the rest of the Krill Giants. Like other Krill giants he requires a 2d6 roll to destroy and is +3 to hit. He suffers from Squeamishness though, and so he will usually duck for cover and throw eggs while whining for his guards to help him.
Combat Spatula-12 damage 7 (enc 2, unusable by characters unless 2 use it at once)
Eggs-12 damage 4 + slimes in a 1-hex radius
Kevlar Apron and Chef Hat armor 2