The Mu and Max Vacation Getaway Contest Charity Drive ’99

The opportunity to help a disadvantaged soul comes along at the most unexpected times.  Long-time readers of Musashi’s page and veterans of the Mushroom War will recall with reverence the plea for public awareness made on this very site not so long ago.  Known to fewer people are the plans for upcoming charitable events, such as the "Scotch for Impoverished Webmasters" drive and the "Buy Mu Some God Damned Cigarettes" events, scheduled for later in the calendar year.  However, a recent opportunity to make a difference in the life of a needy person overseas recently came to Mu’s attention, as a heart-wrenching appeal arrived as an entry in the Mu and Max Vacation Getaway Contest ’99.  With your help, your selfless webmaster will be able to reach out and touch someone.  Possibly a lot.

Hi, my name is Jenny Heng and I will be 18 this year. I am willing to roleplay a single uncommitted female for the duration of the vacation. I am a selfless girl who has a talent for roleplaying, am able to keep secrets well, proficien in internal martial arts of southern China, have an understanding attitude towards slavery and used to be a contortionist back when I was in the circus. I would write a short essay/novella/catch-phrase describing why I am the right person to accompany you but I believe it is suffice to say that visual evidence is more compelling than anything on the face of the planet. However, it would be a plus if you are able to pay for airline fees for traveling from Singapore to the States and back and any other fees that may occur along the way :)

- Jenny.

 

Although it is obvious that dignity prevents Jenny from disclosing the true nature of her plight via email, it is immediately obvious that this person is in desperate need of assistance.  The fact that it seems that her entry is primarily a cut-and-paste of the contest requirements belies the quiet desperation that fueled this brave cry for help, as it would seem to indicate that her English is not too strong, but she doesn’t let that stop her.  However, the fact that she is from Singapore stands out like a red warning flag.  Mu has actually been to Singapore, and while he was suffering alongside the populace in the 5-star Oriental hotel and barely sustaining himself on delicious satay dishes and the variety of foul liquids known as cocktails, the true plight of Singapore was too obvious to ignore…

 

DURIANS

Seldom spoken of in the Western world, the Durian is a horrific fruit which, despite the military’s best efforts, finds its way into Singapore, smuggled cleverly in plain sight on large produce trucks from Malaysia with the word "DURIANS" in bold lettering on the side.  An evil-looking thing, Durians are hard, heavy football-shaped objects with a green, spiny hull.  The sheer mass of the Durian coupled with its death-dealing exoskeleton makes it useful as a hand-to-hand weapon and tool of assassination, easily passed through metal detectors.  However, the durian has a more insiduous property… its stench.

 

Durians have an overpowering smell that is reminiscent of untreated sewage and/or rotting human flesh.  Those poor souls who have become addicted to its heroin-like properties desperately huddle in alleyways, out of sight, and shamefully chop open the hull of the durian with a large executioner’s axe.  Inside the protective outer layer are the seeds of the durian, each of which is coated with a horrid, slimy substance which appears much like raw chicken left out in the sun.  These unfortunates desperately suck the pulp into their mouths, unable to break away from the lure of consuming an undefinable organic substance that causes one to belch clouds of sulfurous gas.  The odors of the durian are so powerful that its very presence has been banned from most public places, but it is so powerful and pervasive that no place is safe from its rotten-egg reek, carried about on the lazy, humid Singapore breeze.  The omnipresent scent of this fruit can drive people insane.  People like Jenny.  It is rumored that the number of oppressive laws with mandatory death sentences in Singapore were penned and approved by legislators poisoned by the psychoactives in durian gas, and that occasionally a former durian addict will turn to cocaine to try and numb their noses.  Some of these people even go so far as to be intentionally caught with large amounts of conventional drugs on them, in order to get away from the inescapable smell of durians through the sweet, final release of a firing squad.  These are the bleak futures open to Jenny, who has called to us in her time of need.  We must not let her down.

If you can find it in your heart of hearts to do so, please send an email to savejenny@ranter.net pledging whatever you can.  The proceeds from this charity drive will go towards the following purposes if we feel like it:

Paying for Mu’s gas as he charitably goes to the airport to size her up pick her up and transport her to beautiful Squam Lake.

  • Saving Jenny from the oppression of the durian with a one-way, coach class ticket to a convenient airport in the New Hampshire area, in time for her fabulous vacation getaway.
  • Materials fees for Mu’s durian rehabilitation program, teaching Jenny about the aphrodisiac qualities of beer and hard liquor as a substitute for those (reputedly) of the durian.
  • All medical expenses required, possibly including vaccinations, over the counter medicines, the best in modern contraceptives, frankincense-scented oils, and sunscreen. Lots of sunscreen. Mmmm…

We cannot hope to save all of Singapore from the dangers of the durian, but if we can save one… just one… we can all rest a little easier. If we can manage to raise enough money to do so, and if Jenny has a hot sister, we might be able to save two, and feel that much better about ourselves.

Reminder:  The contest is still open.

Disclaimer:  This is not a real charity event.  Duh!  Still, I won’t stop anyone from contributing to getting Jenny over to the US for a week of hedonistic nonsense.  Also, the webmaster of Durian Online, the source for our durian images, would like to say, "I had it with people who use materials from DOL but yet don’t bother to give DOL the proper credit. A very SAD situation indeed!!!"

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