Welcome to Shadwolf’s swill reviews.  Here I will be posting Shadowolf’s reviews of various types of liquor, most of which I won’t go near, for the edification of those who are too poor or too sane to part with huge amounts of money for a fine 18-year old single malt.

Shadwolf prefers a simple star-based rating system for those who have better things to do than read.  His criteria include flavor, value, buzz, and comedic impact.  Unfortunately, not all of the beverages he rates here can be considered truly awful by non-cogniscenti, so this information may actually be of some value to someone. – Mu


Wines

Ernest and Julio Gallo ***
An old standby, this one comes in handy because many people consider it to be a decent wine.  Quick clue – its sold in Gallon size jugs for less than the price of Koolaid.

Boones Farm *
Speaking of Koolaid – this one is a favorite of the underage drinker.  With slightly more alchohol than Hi C, it lets you pretend to be naughty without the actual risk of intoxication.

Cisco ***
A good cheap buzz, it is nonetheless overrated.  Many describe it as ‘liquid crack’.  It is simply a good cheap wine, not all that powerful at all.

Night Train **
The name says it all – yellow newspapers blowing across the landscape; the depressing motion of the 2:00 am subway; the smell of urine.  While it doesn’t pack much of a punch, the price is right for the budget drinker.

Wild Irish Rose *
At $1.29 a liter you’re paying too much for this concoction.  Rumour has it that this stuff is a plot by the Republicans to wipe out the homeless.  If you’ve ever tasted the stuff you’d believe it.

Mad Dog *****
The undisputed king of the cheap buzz, Mad Dog has it all.  For a little over two dollars you get twice the alcohol of a real wine along with a refreshing fruity flavor.  Stick to the grape – the other flavours have less alcohol.

 


Whiskeys and Bourbons

Jack Daniels ***
An old standby, JD will get you to the altar on time – if the altar is porcelain.  The hangovers are rough, but when you call your boss the next morning you will sound genuinely sick.

Jim Beam ****
Another American favorite, Jim Beam goes down a lot smoother than JD and the hangovers are milder.

Wild Turkey **
If you are from Kentucky this is considered a gentleman’s drink.  It also makes an effective engine cleaner.

Old Crow *****
The name may sound rough, but this one’s about as good as they come.  This is what Bourbon is all about.

Bushmills *****
If there’s one thing the Irish know, its whiskey, and there’s none better than Bushmills.  All the kick and almost no hangover.

Jamesons ****
Not quite as good as Bushmills, but still a damn good whiskey.

Old Grandad ***
Imagine your crochety old grandfather as a bottle of rotgut and you’ll see where they got the name.

 


Mixed Drinks

Boilermaker ***
The ideal drink for the struggling college student.  A shot of whiskey and a beer.  If you drop the shotglass in the beer you can look like a sophisticated drinker rather than the poor slob that you are.  No one will actually be impressed.

Tequilla Poppers ***
Another way to turn a little alchohol into a big buzz.  A shot of tequilla and some seven up.  Mix them and place your hand across the top of the glass forming a tight seal.  Slam the glass onto the bar and chug the fizz that results.  Goes straight to your brain.  College chicks might think your cool if you show them this one.

10W40 *
Like the motor oil this is a foul black mess.  A shot of Jaegermeister and a shot of Goldschlagers, its as bad as it sounds.

Sex On the Beach *
The sophmoric name keeps this one in popularity.  Hint: real drinks don’t have cute umbrellas in them.

Prairie Fire *****
If you want to see how tough you are try this one: a shot of tequilla mixed with a shot of tabasco sauce.  Are you man enough?

Vodka and Cranberry *
Who are you kidding?

 


Beer

Budwieser ***
The American classic.  no one really believes its as good as any import, but it drinks faster and its cheap.

Pabst Blue Ribbon *
What blue ribbon could they have won?  If you plan on drinking this you have to practice saying things like ‘It don’t git no better than this’.

Milwaukee’s Best *
If thats true, stay out of Milwaukee. Watery and foul tasting, its not worth the low low price.

Old Milwaukee **
More of a premium beer than Milwaukee’s Best, most scavenging insects will still turn up their noses at this one.

Meister Brau **
I give these guys points for their nice advertising campaign, but its not fooling anyone.  I’ve pissed better than this.

Corona ***
Best served with a Lime wedge stuffed into the bottle, this is a good standby.  The stylish bottle makes a clear statement that your not drinking just any brown bottle swill.

Heineken ****
These guys have learned the trick.  If it comes in a green bottle it must be quality stuff.  An above average beer, it relies heavily on the import image to give it class.

Coors ***
Straight out of the Rockies, this beer embodies the spirit of the west.  Unnpretentious and mild, its about as average as you get.

Miller **
Good taste, but all foam.

Light beer (any)
Get the fuck out.  You’re not fooling anyone.

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