One fine Minneapolis day (meaning the ambient temperature is somewhere between -30 and 95 farenheit), as Mu and Shi were sitting around their little house in their underwear eating cold canned asparagus, they got a phone call.  It was Mu’s friend Max Longstreet.

"Hi Mu," said Max.

"Hi Max," said Mu.

"Mu, I am going to Reno over Memorial Day weekend to go to Con2001.  It should be fun!"  Reno is a lawless city where anarchy reigns in that most sinful of states, Nevada.

"What is Con2001?" asked Mu.

"It is an event at the Reno Hilton where a bunch of losers get together and play Mageknight, Dungeons and Dragons, and my favorite, LARP!"  LARP is another name for Live Action Role Playing.  Live Action Role Playing is a grownup version of Cops and Robbers, except they pretend to be vampires so they can distinguish themselves from young children.

"Max, you are a retard," said Mu.  A retard is a derogatory term for a developmentally disabled person.  A developmentally disabled person tends to be gullible and endorse really stupid ideas while eating peanut butter out of a jar.

"It will be fun!" said Max.  "You should go with me!"

"Maybe we should go get married there and have Max stand up for us," said Shi in jest.  Marriage is a state of union between two people that is rewarded by the state with tax breaks and shared health insurance.

"Hey, that is a good idea!" said Max.

"Max, it is very expensive to go to Reno and get married," said Mu.  "Shi and I are eating cold canned asparagus so we can afford dogfood."

"Have no fear," said Max.  "I shall take care of your expenses in return for video distribution rights."  Video distribution rights are a thing that allows people to blackmail other people by threatening to release embarassing MPEG footage on the internet.

Mu heard Max put his phone down for a moment, then heard Max walk out of his apartment.  There was a dull thud and a groan, and Max came back to the phone.  "I can put your expenses on this credit card someone loaned me, and you can repay me at a reasonable compound interest rate!" he said.

"Max that is wonderful," said Mu.  "We will reserve our hotel rooms and overpriced flights right away, and then we can watch you be a total dweeb, and then Shi and I can get married!"

"This will be fun," said Max.  "If we are lucky, you can be joined by a fat late era Elvis impersonator in a sleazy chapel, with a bunch of people who think they are vampires!"

"I am very happy," said Shi.  "But Mu, we are a couple of misanthropes who sit around in our underwear and eat cold canned asparagus, and we never meet anyone we don’t hate.  How will we be able to amass wedding loot?"  A misanthrope is someone who is completely disgusted with the rest of humanity.

"Do not worry," said Mu.  "I will think of something suitably tacky."


 

Virtual Gift Registry!

 

The internet is wonderful for many reasons, but perhaps its greatest benefit is the ability to deal with other people without going through the distasteful experience of actually meeting them.  Shi and I have met many wonderful people whom we would like to call "friends," especially if they will then give us a wedding present.  Any wedding gift money given to us will probably be spent on exactly what is listed here, sadly.

Anyone who does give us something will get a very grovelling email and something we haven’t thought up yet, maybe a picture of Max losing the Mageknight tournament, a scan of our marriage license, or the URL to a Larry Storch fansite.

Our wedding is probably going to be on the 26th, but you can give us loot whenever you want.  Please do.  We need loot!  I hate canned asparagus!
 
 

ITEM
DONATION
GIVE!
One penny (plus PayPal’s commission)
$0.31


Peanut Butter Flavored Dog Biscuit (premium quality, one)
$0.35


Can of Knock-Off Brand Soda (from vending machine, one)
$0.50


Slightly Torn One Dollar Bill (scotch tape extra)
$1.00


Pixy Stix (1 bag)
$2.00


Corkscrew (not too sucky)
$5.00


Crumpled, Sweaty Five Dollar Bill
$5.00


Tabasco Sauce (6 2oz. bottles, on sale at Cub)
$6.00


Dr. Pepper (2 liter, case of 6, also on sale at Cub)
$6.00


One month of any generic MMORPG (logging in not required)
$10.00


Towels and stuff like that (everyone needs these for some reason when they get married)
$10.00


Purina One Dog Food (Reduced Calorie Formula, 20 lbs.)
$18.00


Gift Certificate for Passage to India, Minneapolis
$20.00


Kung Fu Pants (black)
$25.00


Set of Queen Sized Linens (clean)
$35.00


Chantal Frying Pan (balanced for combat, blue)
$35.00


50 blank CD-R’s (generic)
$40.00


One Month of Bandwidth for This Site After a Big Update
$45.00


Nat Sherman MCD Cigarettes (carton)
$50.00


Dog Fluid Therapy Kit (8 liters lactated ringer’s solution, 6 IV drip sets, 16 18 gague hypodermic needles + shipping)
$65.00


Cosequin DS Glucosamine/Chondroitin Medication for Dogs (120 tablets)
$90.00


VCR (that works)
$100.00


Big Honking Wood Smoker Grill (wood not included)
$120.00


Pelikan Fountain Pen (18k gold plated 1.0mm square nib)
$140.00


Chicago Cutlery 10 Piece Walnut Set with Block
$180.00


5-CD Changer Home Unit
$200.00


Sandman Trade Paperbacks (volumes 1-10)
$225.00


Purebred Chocolate Labrador Puppy (one)
$300.00


Our Monthly Phone Bill
$300.00


Grubstake for Poker
$500.00


Viewsonic P815 Monitor (sans nicotine stains)
$1200.00


A Real Computer (with a fake operating system)
$1500.00


That Replacement Engine I Had to Buy Last Month
$3600.00


An Okay Car (new)
$20,000.00


A House (nice school district, fenced yard)
$250,000.00


Cray SV2 Supercomputer (with force feedback joystick)
$1,400,000.00


Or give us anything you want to.  We’re not picky, just impoverished.

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