"This is very exciting," said Shi. "I cannot wait to go to a lawless hellhole and get married. But what about our dogs?"
"I do not think dogs can come to the wedding," said Mu.
"I know that. But our dogs are very hungry, and we have no dog food for them. They may have to resort to cannibalism." Cannibalism is the act of consuming members of one’s own species for sustenance. Sustenance is what you get by eating food such as cold canned asparagus.
"Do not worry, Shi. I am sure that someone will buy us that bag of dogfood on our wedding registry page!" said Mu. A wedding registry is a list of things you write so that you know what your friends will be giving you to surprise you.
"I hope so. Let us go look at our page," said Shi. Mu and Shi went to look at the registry to see what people had given them for their wedding.
"Oh no!" said Shi. "No one has bought us dog food! Now our dogs will have to starve slowly to a horrible death! I am sad."
"Do not be sad," said Mu. "Look, many many people are giving us a penny! If 1800 people give us a penny each, we can buy dogfood!"
"That is so clever," said Shi. "But what if we want another bag of dogfood?"
"Well if 1800 people give us a penny, then PayPal would receive $540 in handling fees," said Mu. "Then maybe PayPal would buy us another bag of dogfood because they will be very very happy to be getting a 3000% commission."
"That would be nice," said Shi. "Then you wouldn’t have to start selling crack to pay for dogfood." Crack is a narcotic made by heating cocaine hydrochloride in a solution of baking soda. Baking soda is sodium bicarbonate (NaHCO3).
"Maybe I can buy dogfood with income made through religion," said Mu. "Now that I am a legally ordained minister, I can start fleecing gullible people out of their disability checks." Fleecing can mean either taking people’s money away in a confidence scam, or shearing sheep for wool, which is why congregations are referred to as "flocks."
"No Mu," said Shi. "Please sell crack instead."
Here are the people who have given us gifts so far via the registry page, and what they gave us. This page will be updated as more gifts come in. We and our dogs thank you for your generosity.
|William Seely (Wi)||May 16, 2001||A Penny|
|Frederick Carlson Jr.||May 17, 2001||Towels|
|Paul Chwazik||May 17, 2001||A Corkscrew|
|Denis Recchia (Bruised Lee)||May 18, 2001||Case of Dr. Pepper|
|Sandra Branson||May 18, 2001||A Penny|
|Doug Churchman||May 21, 2001||One Month of Not Logging In to an MMORPG|
|Christopher Goad||May 21, 2001||A Penny|
|Scott Jennings (Lum)||May 22, 2001||Big Bag of Dog Food|
|Penelope Baker (Jin Lee)||May 22, 2001||Six Bottles of Tabasco Sauce|
|James Hogan||May 23, 2001||Big Bag of Dog Food|
|John Hamilton||May 23, 2001||Big Bag of Dog Food|
|Simon Austin||May 24, 2001||Case of Dr. Pepper|
|Vicky Loebel||May 30, 2001||Lots of Spicy as Hell Indian Food|
|Keith Sader||June 1, 2001||Clean Sheets (for once)|
|Christopher Goad||June 1, 2001||Crumpled, Sweaty Five Dollar Bill|
|Ellen Eades||Jan 3, 2002||Big Bag of Dog Food|
Stuff People Actually Gave Us In Person
|Tony Faber (Max Longstreet)||A Smoking Room at the Reno Hilton, Wind-Up Plastic Belly Crawling Indian, Plastic Crayons, Inedible Cactus Candy|
|Sandra McNeal||Four Bags of Lactated Ringers Solution|
|David & Jenn Wolff||"The Kindly Ones" and "Game of You" Trade Paperbacks|
|Carey Nadeau||Sandman Companion Trade Paperback, Gold-Colored Plastic Princess Crown, Hogwarts Naming Hat Keychain, Vegas Slot Machine LCD Game|
|Kay Dawson||Squirt Guns Shaped Like a Parrot and a Camera|
|Julie Stroud||Roll of Paper Towels|
|Laura & Jake Endres||1995 Coe College Dragon Boat Race Frisbee (Dog-Approved)|
|Carol Heen & Charlie Boone||1995 Handley Brut Sparkling Wine (Methode Champenoise, 75% Pinot Noir 25% Chardonnay, 3.5 years aging on the yeast)|
|Philip Blackburn||Dehydrated Astronaut Peaches, Spaceman Ballpoint Pen, Statue of Liberty Under Global Warming Tides Paperweight|
|Bill & Krystal Banfield||Matching Blue Suede Shoes Keychains|
|John Michel||Baroque Elvis CD|
|Staff of American Composers Forum||Cake with a Wedding Scene (Reverend Fat Elvis and Vampire LARPers in attendance), Lunch at Christos’ St. Paul, Charity Cash|
|Chuck & Elena Collins||Enough Cash to Keep Our Dog Alive For a While|