This thread appeared on the forum while I was out of town. Since I drink alone a lot while staring at a CRT, this guide may prove useful to me someday should I ever venture forth amongst other people. I’m also posting it so maybe I can find out where Beau works and I can mooch free drinks off him.

This is a public service message
by Beau  posted 8/22/99 5:49:28 AM

I am SO fucking pissed. I work in a bar, as a bartender. And tonight, I had more than my share of lameasses. So, for those of you out there who are legally of age, let me give you a few tips on how to act at a bar.

- if you ever ask how much something costs, that tells the bartender you’re a broke motherfucker; he will expect no tip and pour your drink weak as hell accordingly. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

- if you walk up to a bartender and say, ‘Hook me up, man!’, expect a weak drink. Why? Because ‘Hook me up, man!’ is the broke motherfucker’s mating call. A bartender remembers faces. If you have tipped well in the past, you will be ‘hooked up’. If not, then you’ll be short-shotted like mad. Some bartenders (me included) may ‘hook you up’ once, to see if you will tip. If you don’t, the next time you need a drink, I’ll be ignoring you and asking the guy behind you what HE wants.

- just to remind you, TIPS stands for To Insure Prompt Service. So if you are trying to impress a chick by buying shots, and have been a cheapass all night, rest assured I will embarrass your ass, then take your woman. I personally have no problem with telling a female that the guy she’s with has to dig through pocket lint for change to buy a drink. And, if he decides to be a wiseass and flash a roll of dough, I’ll tell her this guy has stiffed me on tips all night…women hate cheapskates. And if he bows up? Leads to my next point….

- don’t start shit in a nightclub. First off, the bartender has probably been in more fights than you, smacky. Second off, we have a little thing called ‘security’ (aka doormen) that love nothing more than to put the smackdown on shitheads like that at the first sign of trouble.

- banging your beer bottle on the bar for attention is the surest way to be ignored. Eye contact is all that is required. I remember what you drink.

- if your change is less than a dollar, and you stand around to wait for it, rest assured I’ll wait on three other people before I give you your 75 cents. And even then, I’ll toss it disdainfully in your direction, with my back to you. And, laugh when it falls off the bar, and you scrounge for it on the floor.

- I swear, I hate quarters. And if you give me any change smaller than that as a tip, I’ll make it a point for you to watch me throw it into the garbage. If you can’t bring money that folds, take your sorry ass home.

- no, sorry. The cocktail waitress will NOT fuck you the first night she meets you…and if she DOES, rest assured all the bar staff, and everybody with more than $20 to their name has too. Better wear three condoms, you stud.

- if you tip well, I may give you a few free shots. If you don’t, I may give you one anyway…it’s called a "Matt Dillon" (many other names, too). That’s where, for the cheapskates, I pour my spill-mat into a glass and add a shot of the cheapest scotch I have. Then I watch them gag, puke and then get escorted out. It’s great fun.

- if you walk up to a busy bar, and I ask you what you’d like, but you have no idea…don’t be upset when I turn my back on you and serve someone who DOES know what they want (unless you’re a cute chick. You get special attention). You aren’t buying a car here…make up your mind before it’s your turn…which leads me to….

- you know it will cost you money for a drink. So, if I make you 3 drinks and 5 shots for your party, and you wait until I’m done before digging through the crumpled bills in your pocket to pay me, rest assured you have earned my ire. And a LONG wait the next time I see you.

- as a final note, yes, the DJ hates you. No, he won’t play your song. Though he might say he will, to make you go away.  Don’t interrupt a DJ when he’s mixing.

Beau, a bartender who wishes the public would get a clue.

All that goes on in one night?
by Count Zero posted 8/24/99 8:21:51 AM

*cries for society*

I might tip with quarters, just to annoy…
:P

hmmm….here’s a clue!
by Ozymandias posted 8/23/99 6:40:21 PM

If your service is so damn POOR that you throw change at customers or make them watch as you throw their money in the garbage….what makes you think you DESERVE a tip? In fact, how is it that you still have a job?

I have no problem leaving the bartender a big tip if their service is prompt and efficient, but if they ignore me, or spend all their time talking to some hot chick at the bar rather than serving customers that have been patiently waiting for service for upwards of three minutes, they can forget it.

Yeah sure, most people are idiots, that’s a given. but if you cannot come to terms with that, may I suggest that you get a less people orientated Job.

Sorry to ruin your holier-than-thou-esque rant

Ozymandias, a member of the public that wishes bartenders would get a clue.

 

I guess you can’t read.
by Beau posted 8/23/99 9:36:23 PM

If you could, you’d notice that I don’t treat CUSTOMERS like that, I treat DIPSHITS like thats. Dipshits who are rude, obnoxious, and non-tipping. I give everyone great service until I have a reason not to.  Trust me pal, if you served hundreds of people a night, you wouldn’t waste too much time on the losers.

re: Bar etiquette
by Shadwolf posted 8/22/99 10:16:01 AM

In an unusual moment of intelligence, Beau has actually made an important point. As a proffessional bar goer, I am disgusted to see the total lack of class that all of the amatures show. There are a few simple rules to follow:

1.) Tip at least $1 on each round, even if it’s only one drink. It’s worth it. Most schmucks tip $5 on the first round to impress their friends, then give up for the rest of the evening. If you tip consistently, the bartenders will remember who you are and you will often get enough free drinks to make up for what you are tipping.

2.) A tip is your way of thanking the staff for good service. It is not some kind of divine gift you bestow on them, so don’t make a big deal about it.

3.) As mentioned, don’t bang your bottle on the bar to get the bar tenders attention. Also, don’t yell "hey you" "yo barkeep" or anything else idiotic. keep one eye on the bartender and when he looks your way signal him. If you have been tipping well, they will know what you drink and you will be able to order without saying a word. This will make you look cool. Yelling "Hey Garcon, gimme a couple a Bud’s" will not.

4.) If it is allowed by the club, always tip the doorman. If shit goes down he’s a really handy guy to have on your side. He knows where the truncheon is.

5.) If you try to start up a conversation with the bartender and they aren’t interested in talking to you, shut up.

6.) Never, ever, ever start a fight with the bouncer. I tried this once when I was young and stupid. I had the guy on the ropes, but the little scrawny bartender hit me from behind. You would be surprised how hard a little guy can hit when he’s using a lead filled sap.

7.) Most important, always remember that bartenders serve your drinks and waiters/waitresses your food. DON’T PISS THESE PEOPLE OFF! You do not want your food or drink to contain anything more than you asked for.

I agree, but one thing…
by Human123 posted 8/22/99 3:40:09 PM

Quick "Bar Tender manner’s" note. There was sorta a hostile note in the post, and I just wanted to say do not get pissed if the guy can’t give very generous tips often . Some of us aren’t the richest of people, but still might like to go out on the town a night or two a month, and if there isn’t enough to tip on every drink, we’re sorry, all right? Getting the proverbial "spitting in the drink" (I’m not saying that’s what you do, it’s a saying. Me and my disclaimers :P) is a bit harsh. Otherwise, it’s nice to have a guide now. =-)

re: I agree, but one thing…
by Beau posted 8/22/99 7:11:42 PM

I don’t expect everyone to tip on every drink. Shad tips like I do when I go out, which is great. If everyone were like us, I’d tend bar forever and be rich.

Not tipping every time is fine. Just don’t act like a rude asshole and we’ll get along.

P.S. Shad…."an unuaual moment of intelligence"?! Bite me, biker boy. No more tequila for you and barbie. :P

 

 

 

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