This is a reference page for me to check on those occasions where I get clubbed in the head with a brick and lose my memory, so I don't make the mistake of rebuilding my standard entertainment reference by watching movies like The Matrix. It is of no value to anyone else. Please go away. In case you haven't gone away yet and have some crap you think is good to recommend to me, please do, and feel secure in the knowledge that I will hate it.
Stuff I Like
BOOKS
Card, Ender's Game
Orson Scott Card is possibly the best author in the English language
who hasn't killed himself yet. Ender's Game is the definitive
Card novel, and the best in the Ender series, which gets more and more
pedantic as it goes on. Soon to be ruined by making it into a motion
picture starring some insufferably annoying anonymous child actor.
Card, Ender's Shadow
As a "companion novel" to Ender's Game, the onus of being worse
than its predecessors does not apply to this book. It's sort of like
Ender's
Game with the innocent fun of horrible poverty thrown in for free.
Card, Pastwatch
Interesting take on the Columbus ruins America theme. Very strong
overtones of Christianity as the best of a number of shitty alternatives,
and not a hint of Mormonism. Some say it's surprising how Card can
be both a Mormon and such an astounding science fiction author, but it
makes sense when you look at the origins of Mormonism as a science fiction
story in itself (now in its umpteenth revision as they keep changing the
story). At least Card never tortured me with stupidity like L. Ron
Hubbard and Company's piece of shit Battlefield Earth movie.
Card, Prentice Alvin
In direct contrast to the Ender series, the Alvin series gets better
as it goes on. Unfortunately this means you have to read through
the beginning bits to get a full sense of the scope of the work, but even
Card's "worst" is several orders of magnitude above most authors' "best."
Earlier installments deal with fun stuff like life as a backwards religious
hillbilly and drunken redskins beating each other up.
Hawking, A Brief History of Time
For a little while, this was a bestseller to people who liked to have
the book on their coffee table to show that they were, indeed, smart.
Actually reading the book is a better exercice, except that I then harassed
every one of my friends who happened to have a doctorate in physics about
the mechanics of half spin particles. Thereafter they believed that
I was, indeed, annoying.
Kipling, Gods of the Copybook Headings
One of the few poems which doesn't evoke a sense of, "I wish this poet
would stop whining and actually try and figure some shit out." I
was forced to memorize this beast at age 8 by my insane father, and despite
this I like it. The best thing about it is that since it is a poem
and not a book, you can probably go find it for free on the web so you
can have your oh-so-witty analysis of it ready for message board spamming
within the hour.
Lem, The Futurological Congress
I liked this book so much that I thought about getting some more Lem,
or even some Philip K. Dick (whom lots of people assert is a big Lem ripoff
artist), but since I now know that all of perceived reality is just a drug-induced
hallucination controlled by anthropomorphic white lab mice, there doesn't
seem to be much point.
Niven, Protector
First Niven I ever actually read carefully (I read World of the
Ptaavs when I was like 9 or something, but the tits on the cover of
Heinlein's Friday appealed to me more). Still my favorite
Niven "Known Space" work. Hardest of the hard science fiction guys.
Niven is the only reason anyone has even heard of Robert W. Bussard.
Niven, Ringworld
Classic Known Space. Like Asimov, Niven starts with some theories
and principles and then weaves them into a story about characters with
whom the reader can sympathize. Unlike Asimov, Niven succeeds in
doing so. The sequel, Ringworld Engineers, is also excellent.
The third book, Ringworld Throne, is not.
Ramacharaka, Science of Breath
Published by a small yogi company, one of the best treatises on how
to breathe. Also published in a more complete form as Yoga Art
of Breathing or something. Probably incredibly hard to find.
Ramacharaka also wrote some other interesting books, most notably on the
attributes of Gnani, Hatha, Raja and Karma yoga, which are also really
good books you will be unable to find.
Rand, We the Living
This is probably Ayn Rand's best work ever merely on the merit of its
brevity. You can read this book and then imagine it with approximately
3000 pages of soporific Objectivist diatribe, memorize the phrase, "Who
is John Galt?" and then claim to have studied Atlas Shrugged, a
book people love to talk about but not actually read.
Sinclair, The Jungle
Unsafe and unsanitary meat packing, crushing poverty, starvation, all
the fun of early 20th century Chicago without actually being oppressed
yourself. I only recently read this book carefully, as its inclusion
in my high school mandatory reading program alongside pieces of crap like
Great
Expectations and The Sun Also Rises relegated it to a long period
of excommunication. The long winded rhetoric at the end is typical
of the propagandist writers of the time, and since then (see any book by
Ayn Rand, which nobody has ever really read). I prefer the alternate
director's cut, where Jurgis destroys the stranglehold of the Capitalist
class in a gigantic karate fight with a bunch of explosions. I heard
somewhere that Upton Sinclair wrote books besides this one. I can
never find any of them.
Solzhenitsyn, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch
I was reading this one day while walking around Manhattan, and became
far too absorbed. Standing in front of Tower Records' old midtown
location (by Lincoln Center) with about $400 in my pocket, I was overcome
with a feeling of poverty and carefully and slowly nibbled small pieces
of my half-melted chocolate bar instead of buying lunch, nervously eyeing
the other pedestrians in case one of them tried to take it from me to stave
off starvation. Of course, since everyone in New York eyes everyone
else with suspicion, nobody noticed.
Trevanian, Shibumi
If Trevanian was a guy ranting on a website about computer games, there
would be no reason for me or anyone else to attempt to do likewise except
to embarass ourselves. He magically takes the oft-abused medium of
the thriller adventure and simultaneously does not insult the reader's
intelligence by writing on a fairly high comprehension level, while simultaneouly
insulting everything about the reader's lifestyle, nationality, and very
existence.
Tsu, The Art of War
Fun to read and then figure out how badly recent military leaders fucked
things up. Simple axioms for victory which are ignored time and time
again by fantastically high-budgeted military machines run by pinheads.
Not to be confused with Machiavelli's Art of War which is applicable
only is you are an egomaniac with nothing but heavy cavalry and pikes at
your disposal, while your enemy has nothing but naked fistfighters.
Tzu, Tao Te Ching
Best translation by Gia Fu-Feng and Jane English. As in the I
Ching, the more "accurate" translations of old chinese textx are usually
done by people with a more artistic and philosophical bent, rather than
chowderhead professors anxious to secure their tenure.
Unknown, Exercise Without Exercises
The venerable trumpet guru Ed Treutel turned me on to this turn-of-the-century
marvel, which I found totally by accident in a used bookstore (and lost
after a couple of years). Basically a study of strong people from
all over the world and what they had in common, and lo and behold, they
all didn't live on a tofu and creatine diet. Great information about
posture and breathing I've never seen anywhere else, which is apparent
from the number of Americans who rely on arches in their shoes, possess
a lung capacity of four teaspoons, and have back trouble.
Wilhelm/Baynes, I Ching
The only translation of the Book of Changes not written by a moron.
Avoid at all costs the James Legge translation which is done from the perspective
of a college boy who already knows everything and thinks the ancient chinese
culture is a quaint subject for a term paper. Aleister Crowley's
translation isn't too bad, but is tailored specifically for his particular
Golden Dawn-esque mystical outlook and, like most of the collected works
of Crowley, has some interesting pitfalls in it. I understand Crowley
was some sort of a poet, or a religious leader, or both. Caeryn Dryad
is investigating the matter.
Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book
I have an autographed copy of this. Fantastic reading for anyone
who wants to know why the music industry is hopelessly fucked, how to raise
great kids, how to digitally multitrack an entire symphony orchestra in
a dead room using mostly PZM's, and people who have heard of Frank Zappa.
COMICS
The Badger (various)
Fantastically entertaining stories by Mike Baron, occasionally finding
a publisher before getting dropped because they're just too weird.
Hero is a psychotic multiple personality who thinks he can talk with animals.
Batman: Arkham Asylum (DC)
Really twisted story about insane people and the insane people who
hate them.
Batman: Gotham by Gaslight (DC)
In the wake of the "Batman is Cool" sentiment, DC rushed to capitalize
on this bankruptcy-saver by marketing Batman in every way possible, including
alternate universe stories. By merest coincidence, the very first
of these, Gotham by Gaslight, didn't totally suck ass.
Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (DC)
Graphic novel by the incredibly gifted and totalitarian Frank Miller.
The first quality Batman story to get the attention of the masses and make
Batman "cool" again just so the character could be slaughtered by some
movie making fuckwits. Get the latest printing and read the alternate
ending script with Bruce Wayne maniacally ripping his own flesh.
The Books of Magic (DC/Vertigo)
Original 4-issue miniseries (not much use for the monthly) by master
author Neil Gaiman. Early training of a young person with magical
potential by 4 old mages (Phantom Stranger, Dr. Occult, John Constantine
and Mr. E.) who show him all sorts of cool shit and sometimes try to kill
him. It's sort of like the Harry Potter series except it is written
at a higher than 4th grade comprehension level and doesn't suck as much.
Concrete (Dark Horse)
Astoundingly original and believable creation by Paul Chadwick.
Elektra: Assassin (Marvel)
More great Frank Miller writing with psychotic Bill Sienkiewicz watercolors.
The Elementals (Comico, out of print)
For a little while there Comico was doing decent stuff, most notably
the early runs of Elementals. Good writing, believable character
development, only slightly hampered by campy art straight out of the Villains
and Vigilantes rulebook. After a while they started to do nothing
but Sex Specials and Swimsuit Issues featuring naked cartoon chicks having
sex with dolphins and stuff, and these came out more regularly than the
actual series.
Grendel (various, mostly Dark Horse)
Only the Hunter Rose series by Matt Wagner. These were interesting
stories about a gifted person who was unabashedly and gracefully evil.
After that it becomes progressively more silly, until it starts to resemble
The
Smurfs in its use of the word "Grendel" to describe everything from
a person to a philosophy to an army corps to a breakfast cereal.
The Psycho (DC)
Another great 4 issue miniseries that went nowhere. Alternate
history of 20th century Earth with the introduction of a drug that usually
kills its user, but has a small chance of giving him paranormal abilities,
but always makes him crazy. Lots of horrible death and some lesbian
action.
The Question (DC)
36-issue run which took an acquired property and turned it into possibly
the best graphic story about normal people ever. Out of print.
The
Question was originally a creation of Steve Ditko's, the guy who drew
all the early square-headed Spider-Man and Hulk comics.
Like all Ditko creations, it was a very silly good vs. evil black and white
philosophy-oriented character. Thank God for Dennis O'Neil.
The Sandman (DC/Vertigo)
Like anyone hasn't read The Sandman. Neil Gaiman apparently
lives somewhere near me in Minneapolis, but is super crabby and hates visitors
and shit. I like him more already. Buy all of the collected
graphic novels and then get made fun of by your friends when you righteously
assert that your comic book is five hundred times better than that piece
of shit Michael Crichton pulp they're reading with their lips moving.
Zippy the Pinehad (Fantagraphics)
Surgeon General's Warning! Surgeon General's Warning! Surgeon
General's Warning! Surgeon General's Warning! Surgeon General's
Warning! Surgeon General's Warning! Surgeon General's Warning!
Surgeon General's Warning! Surgeon General's Warning! Surgeon
General's Warning!
MOVIES
Dark City
Imagine The Matrix. Now imagine that it has a good cast.
Now imagine that it doesn't suck fucking ass. You now have Dark
City.
Drunken Master II
Re-released, incomplete and dubbed, as Legend of Drunken Master.
You can't really explain to anyone why Jackie Chan is so great, especially
if they had the misfortune to see Rumble in the Bronx as their introductory
Jackie movie. This movie is amazing. Get it in the original
subtitled Chinese if you can.
Ed Wood
A really good film, especially for anyone who has ever been involved
in making a film or a recording, or any sort of artistic endeavor that
requires a lot of cash to actually produce. The best thing about
this film is that right afterwards you go and rent some real Ed Wood movies,
somehow thinking that (despite all evidence to the contrary) you are in
for an enjoyable experience.
Fresh
Utterly great film. It was criticized a lot by black leaders
because Boaz Yakin is not black, and they were probably mad about this.
One of the only "hood" era movies from this era of tons of "hood" movies
which is really worthwhile.
Man On the Moon
Really good movie despite the fact that it has that jackass Jim Carrey.
A lot of people who worked on this movie said that Carrey immersed himself
completely into the character of Andy Kaufman for the duration of the shooting,
and they never felt they were working with Jim Carrey. This is probably
why it doesn't suck.
1984
A surprisingly good rendition of the George Orwell classic. Doesn't
quite fill you with as much self-destructive despair as the actual book,
but this is an imperfect world.
Pushing Hands
Way before Ang Lee wrote The Wedding Banquet and Eat Drink
Man Woman, he made this little grainy masterpiece about an aging Tai
Chi master who comes to live with his fully Americanized son, in the Chinese
tradition. You can apparently get it fairly cheaply on DVD now, I
don't know... when I first tried to get ti on VHS, nobody carried it, and
one place said they would be able to order it for me for eighty bucks.
I passed.
Rambo: First Blood
All Rambo movies suck a lot except for this, the first one. In
the tradition of Rocky, it is a great and poignant movie which was
horribly ruined by the drive to make meaningless sequels which feature
a lot of fistfighting and explosions. Great fun to force some high
and mighty intellectual to watch this and see their opinion get turned
around in the last four minutes.
Ran
One of the big-scale masterpieces by director Akira Kurosawa.
Also see Kagemusha. King Lear with katanas.
Reservoir Dogs
Quentin Tarantino got his juice from this low budgeter, and he should
have. The problem is he never made anything else. Go with the
original.
Saving Private Ryan
Good film despite starring Tom Hanks. Whenever I think of Tom
Hanks I think of Rona Jaffe's Mazes and Monsters, his debut film,
as a person who goes crazy because he plays that evil game Dungeons and
Dragons. My parents watched that piece of shit movie, nodding their
heads like bobbleheads at this irrefutable proof about the satanic nature
of D&D. He's probably not annoying in this movie because he never
does that "Tom Hanks is yelling in exasperation" think that just makes
me cringe at the hamminess.
The Seven Samurai
LONG movie which was the father of all spaghetti westerns. Interesting
social commentary about the ethics of post-shogunate Japan and what makes
a good warrior. Plus an insane and dirty Toshiro Mifune! (You
also get this in Rashomon but not as many people die.)
Tampopo
The "noodle western" directed by Juzo Itami. People who love
food will understand why this is the best movie of the past ten years,
or longer, considering all the horrible tripe that Hollywood has been foisting
on us. Also recommended: A Taxing Woman, same cast in
wildly different roles, also by Itami.
RECORDINGS
Beethoven, Symphony #9
Fuck Mozart. Mozart had talent but was just treading water, wasting
the gift of fully conceptualized intellectual musical realization to do
the same shit everyone else was doing, but way faster. You can't
do much better than Beethoven for effective use of the timbral arsenal
of a full orchestra.
Blood, Sweat & Tears, Blood Sweat & Tears 3
The album that, as Lew Soloff puts it, "started their spiral into non-commercial
viability." Also some of the best writing and performance they ever
recorded. Fuck those Chicago pussies.
Chase, Ennea
Second of 3 albums produced by the insane coked-out band with 4 lead
trumpets. Traces of the interesting compositional ideas in Pure
Music without as much loss of edge and purity of intent.
Coltrane, Ascension
My 11th grade music theory teacher forced me to listen to this.
He was a great teacher. Despite popular myth, you do not have
to be stoned to listen to this.
Davis, Kind of Blue
A really great album that has been trivialized by institutions specializing
in the fossilization of jazz into an easily understandable sequence of
phases. Some people like to leave this on in the background while
they make small talk at lame parties or fuck their girlfriends. If
people talk while I'm listening to this I kick them out of the house.
Davis/Evans, Porgy and Bess
Gil Evans was a master composer, but a shitty businessman. He
didn't make jack off of Sketches of Spain, Porgy and Bess, or even
The
Complete Birth of the Cool. I bet Miles made a nice chunk though.
Gil Evans had perhaps the best memorial service I've ever been to.
Kid Rock, Rebel Without a Cause
I really liked the energy of this album, but a couple of nagging questions
about Kid Rock kept surfacing in my mind as I listened to it: What
city is he from? Does he like to fuck bitches and hos? Is he
a tought guy? I probably just have to listen more deeply.
Marsalis, Black Codes (from the Underground)
About the last Wynton Marsalis recording I can stand to listen to.
Really interesting writing, great performance. This was about when
he started getting whiny (J Mood) and hopelessly retro (almost everything
thereafter). The previous albums Wynton Marsalis and Think
of One are also decent.
Metheney/Coleman, Song X
This was a big ass shock to Pat Metheney fans whose ECM washy sensibilities
had just been placated by First Circle. Also has the side
benefit of being oddly more listenable by people who are afraid of Ornette
Coleman in his own element.
Orff, Carmina Burana
Hard to say which is the best recording of this; I'd stick with the
German orchestras,since they do that Teutonic death march thing so well.
Carl Orff has apparently written other pieces, but as they all essentially
sound like Carmina Burana, start there.
Parliament, Give Up the Funk
It's hard to explain exactly why Parliament/Funkadelic is so great.
You never really know until you're stuck at a party you didn't really want
to go to in a tiny Alphabet City apartment with a population density of
4 people per square yard, including a high percentage of party-dressed
hotties, with Parliament going full blast on really big speakers.
Then you have an epiphany, and it all becomes clear, and everything in
your life is better, especially if you manage to get some.
Prince, Diamonds and Pearls
Close to the point where Prince stopped producing all of his albums
himself and turned it over to some goddamn suit, and way before he suddenly
decided he was going to do nothing but bad 4/4 rock and 15 versions of
"The Most Beautiful Girl In the World." Interesting fat analog 2
inch Ampex 499 Gold with the meters pegged in the low end.
Queen, Jazz
Anyone who doesn't think Freddie Mercury was one of the greatest male
vocalists of this century is brain damaged. Really good musicians
who have a good healthy "fuck you" attitude when it comes to humor in music.
Somehow this didn't hurt their marketability.
Radiohead, OK Computer
The first actual "album" released by any rock group since The Wall,
and
somehow I don't think Radiohead spent 2 years in punch and mixdown getting
it to sound correct like Pink Floyd. It's my new top choice for gothy
teens who want to sit in their room and brood about how their parents don't
understand them.
Rage Against the Machine, Rage Against the Machine
Really pure intent, hard edged, and that cheap overdriven SM57 microphone
sound without getting pretentious. Best of their albums as it was
made before they got rich, had to stop recording because they weren't pissed
off anymore, and had to spend all their money to get mad again.
Russell, The African Game
Really good clear recording of George Russell's inventive big band
writing, especially considering the fact that I think he made the whole
record in one take with 2 mics in a church sanctuary. Uncharacteristically
does not contain his self-proclaimed "best jazz piece ever written," "Ezz-Thetic",
for which you should probably get Live in an American Time Spiral.
Steel Pulse, Babylon the Bandit
Big fat reggae hybridization and really good vocal work. May
make whitey nervous.
Stravinsky, Rite of Spring
Cleveland Symphony Orchestra conducted by Pierre Boulez, best conductor
anywhere. Avoid at all costs that moron Bernstein's butchery of this
definitive work. Boulez is close to God.
311, Transistor
As far as Red Hot Chili Pepper-concept spawns go I like 311.
Simple but effective vocal harmonies, good use of orchestration, nice mixing
board juggling, occasionally surprising metric modulations. Fun stuff
and not too threatening to your prospective female victim in the car.
Toto, Toto IV
This was my reference recording during long ass engineering sessions
so I could remember what a perfect pop recording should sound like.
As far as I'm concerned, it should be required curriculum for all engineers,
who are in dire need of it.
Zappa (Frank), ALL RECORDED WORKS
Most important American composer of the 20th century. Was once
appointed as trade minister of Czechoslovakia, but resigned when the U.S.
State Department told Vaclav Havel they would withdraw all foreign aid
if Zappa was made a state official. Frank taught me how to write,
and how to be totally frustrated because I didn't study the electric guitar.
He was writing rings around those long-scarved motherfuckers who think
that attaching a pickup to a cereal spoon is the ideal way to express their
interest in the development of electronic music. Frank is God.
RESTAURANTS
The Black Forest, Randolph, NJ
At one point this was the greatest restaurant I had ever been to, until
I went to Malaysia. Really surprising flavor balancing and attention
to detail from a place serving Austrian cuisine, a phenomenon I experienced
firsthand and somehow lived to tell about. May have gone downhill
since I was last there.
Carnegie Deli, Midtown, NY, NY
The rumors are true. Pastrami is not pastrami unless it comes
from Carnegie. Sandwiches are absurdly expensive, but a pastrami,
corned beef and tongue on rye masses about the same as Rhode Island and
will feed any normal person for almost a week. Great pickles too.
Cent a Nina, Greenwich Village, NY, NY
One of the most expensive Italian places I've ever been to, and oddly
it was worth it. Very good balancing, excellent presentation, sort
of like nouvelle cuisine without the half-ounce entrees. Excellent
tirasmisu.
The Firehouse, Upper West Side, NY, NY
The only thing I can recommend from here are the buffalo wings, which
are really great. Don't get them delivered though... my first delivery
was 2 hours late, and the guy forgot to bring change for a twenty.
Made with habaneros.
Habib's, Lower East Side, NY, NY
With the downfall of Sam's Falafel as a high quality product, Habib's
owns. Their real strength is in, well, just about everything middle
eastern. I used to go there and just ask him to fill a plate with
whatever he wanted to give me. I was never disappointed, except in
my inability to make an even bigger pig of myself and eat more. Good
thing you can't get to be a super fatass on tabouleh and cous cous.
Japonica, Downtown, NY, NY
One of the best places for sushi in Manhattan without getting into
the $140 a person range (Japonica is around to $30-$60 per range).
They almost always have chu-toro and sweet shrimp as well, a big plus.
Jo Jo's Waffle Hut, Kenvil, NJ (CLOSED)
This was a little prototypical formica and vinyl breakfast joint near
my dad's old house. He kept insisting that the guy who owned the
place was a master chef, and as usual I treated any assessment by my father
with a healthy degree of well-justified skepticism. The first time
I went in there, I just asked him to make me something interesting, as
the menu is a typical omelette/burger sort of affair. He came out
with tiny medallions of filet mignon with prosciutto and provolone sandwiched
in between, cooked delicately in a beaujolais and stock reduction with
fresh herbs, wild mushrooms, and italian peppers stuffed with high quality
anchovies. Since that time I ate there as often as I could, and got
something different every time, always spectacular, always prepared absolutely
correctly, and always $9.95. He would also give me a side of fries
with my Shrimp Fra Diavolo or Bistec Fiorentino, a request I always made
in every "classy" place I've ever eaten in. Jo Jo ran this little
joint for years, as it was a better moneymaker than a high-end place, until
he packed up and moved to Vegas.
Junior's, Brooklyn, NY
The famous kosher deli/soul food joint/diner/cheesecake house.
Possibly the best cheesecake made anywhere in the world. Cheesecake
is one of those things people have very ardent beliefs about, and love
to tell me about. Anyone who has professed the foolish belief that
somewhere besides Junior's makes the best cheesecake anywhere has been
proved woefully wrong time and time again. Recommended: everything
except their chili.
La Caridad, Upper West Side, NY, NY
It's a Cuban place run by Chinese. I think it's been there for
about seventy years, and they haven't remodeled anything. It looks
like shit. It also has block-long lines to get in during the warm
weather. Personal favorite: chuletas fritas, yellow rice, black
beans, cafe con leche (a sort of hispanic cappucino with more provisions
for sloppy serving).
Scott Ja Mama's Hot Barbecue, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Tiny little place which apparently got its recipes from an older place
(defunct) which specialized in Polynesian barbecue. I haven't been
able to get my hands on any long pig though. Rocking sammiches.
Sleazy Bills's Gyro and Souvlaki, NY, NY (CLOSED BY THE EVIL DISNEY
BUYOUT)
Bill's Gyro and Souvlaki was a dirty little stand-up greasy Greek place
on 42nd and 7th, when that particular block (7th/8th aves.) was wall-to-wall
bootleg video, fake martial arts supplies, and porn. Mostly porn.
Bill's had the greatest tzatziki sauce ever stirred, and a real gas grill
for souvlaki, which was actually made with lamb, and not that pork crap
diners try to foist off on you. I hate that shit. I lived on
almost nothing but Sleazy Bill's during my first year and a half of conservatory.
I have never had better souvlaki in my life. Then those dickweeds
at Disney bought out the whole block and just closed them down. Now
the street is full of Disney bullshit and various pieces of "street art"
which nobody looks at if they can help it. I hate Disney for so many
reasons, but this most of all. If I ever see that fucking retarded
mouse standing where the sacred Bill's used to be, I'll pop a cap in his
bitch ass.
Some Place I Can't Remember the Name Of, Malacca, Malaysia
I had been driving through Malaysia on one tiny road through the jungle,
apparently the only means of vehicular travel from the Johor Bahru causeway
and Malacca, with 3 other fat Americans, who all quickly discovered that
most of Malaysian food has a flavor somewhere between spoiled meat and
that dirt you find in old unifinished basements near the water heater which
hasn't been disturbed for about twenty years. This is largely because
there is really no refrigeration to speak of in Malaysia, except for the
little Coke and Pepsi fridges used to keep them cold. This was good,
as for most of the day none of us would consume anything that didn't come
out of a can. As night fell, I spotted this place which looked like
it was probably good, since the locals tended to go there with their whole
families, dressed up in suits and stuff. So four fat americans (one
of whom weighed about 340 pounds at last count) in t-shirts, shorts and
sandals waddled in, and passed by about 50 tanks full of prawns, crabs,
and lots of different kinds of fish. There was also a chicken coop
in the back, and whenever someone ordered a chicken dish they would play
a ceremonial drum while they killed it (probably to cover its death cries).
We ate like fucking robber barons for 4 hours nonstop, each consuming about
4 normal dinners' worth of the best food we had ever eaten in our lives,
with a great view of the Straits of Malacca, and wound up dropping 10 bucks
each, including a 40% tip. Long live the depressed economies of the
Pacific Rim. On the way back we got lost in the jungle and thought
we were going to be eaten by tigers, but it all seemed worth it somehow.
Tomoe Sushi, Greenwich Village, NY, NY
Really great sushi just off Houston street. Japonica price range
but huge slabs of fish. Fondly remembered for the time Lew Soloff
got me in ahead of a huge line of angry people and I was so giddy I spilled
wine on some chick's white blouse, causing Lew to laugh at me for a long
time.
Vina, Minneapolis, MN
The single best Vietnamese restaurant I have ever been to, built in
an old Arthur Treacher's and with super low prices. Excellent ingredients
and preparation, none of that old dirt flavor that sometimes infects vietnamese
cuisine. Wait time to get your entree is approximately 6 nanoseconds.
They also know the meaning of the oft-misused term "very hot," for which
I am eternally grateful.
Stuff I Hate
(This section is intentionally shorter than the previous one, as a comprehensive list of stuff I hate in plain text format would exceed any possible storage allotment on any web host I might ever have. This is just to remind me why I am so bitter.)
BOOKS
Bradley, MOST PUBLISHED FANTASY WORKS
Before Marion Zimmer Bradley, people were confused. Now it's
all better as they now know that all men are brutish swine who just rape
women all day as a vocation. One heroine from a particularly unmemorable
book was mad at the evil kingdom of men because apparently one of them
had raped everyone in her family. It's hard work being a barbarian
king.
Clancy, Net Force
I have been trying really really hard to figure out which image of
"hacking" is simultaneously the least accurate and blatantly stupid.
It's a close race between Net Force, Hackers, and that episode of
The Lone Gunmen where Langley simultaneously gets access to the
pentagon, the NSA, and NORAD in about 30 seconds using a laptop he borrowed
from someone with a PCMCIA modem.
Crichton, Jurassic Park,; Congo; The Lost World; Sphere; etc.
Here's a synopsis of almost all Michael Crichton books which somehow
get labeled as "science fiction" by an ignorant and retarded literary world.
"Hey, I have an idea on how to use this fake unworkable science idea thingy
to make a lot of money or something!... No you fool, science is bad, it
will turn on you... Bah, you science guys are all too cautious... AIEEEEE
science has turned on me!" Add various stereotypes and other filler
material. Book complete and ready to be turned into a godawful movie
to be merchandized by Burger King.
Friday, My Secret Garden; Forbidden Flowers
Under the grant-getting premises of "studies of women's sexual fantasies,"
the only thing these books prove is that the women Nancy Friday talked
with are horribly unimaginative. Think of it as the women's SI
Swimsuit Issue, an overpriced thingy you can buy which is almost porn.
She should have talked with Marion Zimmer Bradley.
Leiber, Swords and Ice Magic
Granted when I was 9 or so I thought Michael Moorcock's Elric of
Melnibone series was worth reading, but even then I couldn't justify
this. Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser walk around somewhere and talk about
the old days. Two hotties show up and it looks like they're going
to get some. The two enemies show up to attack them for no reason.
The first one swings at Fafhrd, who deftly parries the blow while cutting
him in half with the other hand. The other attacks the Mouser who
nimbly dodges while impaling him through the heart. Then roll 1d6;
on a 1-3, they get the girls, on 4-6, they don't. This is every
single chapter.
Shakespeare, Titus Andronicus
A woman is horribly raped and stuff and gets her hands chopped off
and her tongue cut out. She is exiled with a bunch of other people.
Twenty years later, it suddenly occurs to her that she can grab a stick
between the stumps of her wrists and write the name of the guy that did
it to her. They all go back and teach the guy a lesson by simultaneously
killing themselves. Go Will.
COMICS
Anything Illustrated by Rob Liefeld
Did you ever see his Levis commercial? No formal training, and
it shows. I like abstraction in art, but drwaing a bad superhero
comic where a person's thigh is bigger than his torso, when it's supposed
to be behind him to boot, is a bit disconcerting. Don't even mention
this big panel ripoffs from Frank Miller's Ronin. Avoid anything
drawn and written by him at all costs.
Anything Illustrated or Written by Todd McFarlane
Who decided he was a genius? I still recall with horror his "new"
issues of Spider-Man, already a horrible horrible property, now
made even worse by his ridiculous paneling, bad script editing (stick to
first, second OR third person within the same narrative please), and completely
nonsensical "writing." After he somehow managed to fool a lot of
geeks into thinking he was great, he went off and helped form Image Comics,
devoted specifically to people who think like he does (with the exception
of the short release of The Badger).
Almost Anything Published by Marvel Comics
During the silver age of comics, Marvel was supposedly this big groundbreaker
because they came out with The Fantastic Four which had a group
of superlosers working together to do super stuff and they seemed more
"real" than the DC offerings at the time. Top of the heap of shit.
Stan Lee has never been coy or subtle about his unadulterated desire to
fleece his audience with shoddy material. The few brief instances
of decent writing that occasionally sprout (a brief period in Hulk,
the Frank Miller Daredevil run, and very few more) are instantaneously
destroyed by the glut of cheap overproduction of that property by untalented
interns who work for food. And don't forget the scandal about Jack
Kirby's material, even if I don't personally like Jack Kirby.
Batman: Knightfall (DC)
Ever since Batman became a big cash cow for DC, they had invested a
lot of money into decent writers and artists (sometimes; I still don't
know how Jim Aparo got so many gigs on it). Then sales drop, and
they assume that something needs to be done to get even darker and grittier
than the pieces of shit Image was publishing. Break the Batman's
back, give him a high tech replacement for a while, fuck up all the writing,
then have a big showdown between the new Batman and Bruce, which ends when
the new Batman suddenly realizes that he's not the real Batman and goes
off to become a homeless person.
Cathy
Will I eat the food? Will I eat the food? Yes I will eat
the food! Hahaha!
Garfield
As if this comic were not bad and pointless enough as is, Jim Davis
doesn't even draw it any more. A hired team of thugs chruns out this
tripe every day for him, in much the same way that Danny Elfman "composes"
music. At least Mark Kostabi is honest about swindling people.
Peanuts
Recently there was a big Charles Schulz memorial thingy at the Mall
of America, show how two evil institutions can work together to acquire
big bucks from the gullible. Was Peanuts ever funny?
Or poignant? Or interesting? New this week: Charlie Brown
is a loser! The twist you never expected!
MOVIES
Almost All Movies
They suck. Don't bother going to the theatre. Don't rent
anything. One good movie gets released in America every 2-3 years.
Play the odds.
Battlefield Earth
It's a good thing L. Ron Hubbard is dead, or else he would close down
his Scientology prank within minutes after seeing the dailies for this,
as not even a master scammer like him could stomach inflicting this on
the world. I don't understand the John Travolta character; could
he do a few more hundred meaninglessly cruel things followed by fake laughter
so I can get the point that he is supposed to be evil? The one good
thing about the movie is the correction to the widely held misconception
that gold is heavy; people can carry huge bricks of it around in both hands,
and you can smuggle about 100 of these bricks in a coffin... no one would
notice the extra weight.
The Cell
This movie, starring Jennifer Lopez' ass, was so bad that two minutes
after I left the theatre I honestly couldn't remember what it was about.
I still can't. All I remember was that it was horrible. Do
not email me reminding me what it was supposed to be about. I just
don't want to know.
Jurassic Park
Amazingly, they took a horrible, horrible book and made it even worse
throught he magic of movies. Best scene: the little girl realizes
she can save the day because the knows UNIX, which allows her to navigate
some raytraced shit on a Mac with a one-button mouse until she sees the
big button labeled "Security Doors" in 56-point type, at which point she
single clicks and everyone congratulates her on her technical wizardry.
The Matrix
Take a huge ass special effects budget, really suckass actors, a badly
written plot, incredibly bad dialogue, and a big PR scheme and you have
yet another piece of ratshit blockbuster. It seems merely bad until
Keanu Reeves is brought back to life because the trendy goth chick says
she loves him. Then the full force of its sucking cannot be denied.
Star Wars Episode One
People didn't want to admit that George Lucas was a shitty writer who
happened to have the best special effects of his time for Star Wars.
After this they're waking up. At least the stereotyping in the movie
is fairly even-handed: the black Uncle Tom guy and the legions of
spearchuckers led by Big Boss Man, you have to get starship parts from
a flying Jew who is only interested in money, and there may be endless
legions of yellow devils but two white guys can beat the crap out of them.