Journal of the War Against the Mushroom

In early June of 1999, a small and petty man turned the world of gaming satire websites upside down with his remarkably unfunny approach to comedy, an approach which could only lead to bloodshed.  Before reading this ugly tale, you may wish to familiarize yourselves with the participants in this horrid drama…

Kevin Murphy
Editor in Chief of the Mushroom, a gaming site which satirizes the gaming industry by publishing unfunny articles and fake interviews that leave you scratching your head. Insists he did not steal everything in his layout from the Onion. Also publishes dating advice which never works and expounds on how good it is to be a professional, serious writer.

National Game Review
A casual, occasionally funny gaming satire site that came into conflict with the forces of Kevin Murphy. NGR is quite hysterical when one uses the Mushroom as a humor benchmark. NOTE: The preceding statement may seem unduly harsh, when one considers that CNET is quite hysterical by the same benchmark.

Old Man Murray
God of gaming satire.

Seanbaby
God of pop culture.

Lum the Mad
God of ranting about UO and whatever else seems annoying.

Musashi
Cheesy webmaster who really wished he were more like the preceding people.

Dethbot
Insane person who frequented Musashi’s board. His mania drove him to attack the Mushroom single-handedly. His combat sim acumen made him lethal. His experiences made him a cripple afterwards, unable to function in society.


One:  The Comedic Genius of Kevin Murphy

The year was 1999. Tensions had been building on the border between two gaming satire sites, each mired in a certain level of cheese. National Game Review, a site which focuses mostly on misspelled Pokemon parodies, and The Mushroom, a site which focuses on trying to publish something funny someday, came to blows over derogatory statements made about each other at the E3 show, which is a large gaming expo where geeks the nation over go to so they can say on their websites that they did so, and stare at bored models’ breasts. Apparently, The Mushroom published another one of their amazingly unfunny stories, in which was some derogatory stuff about the NGR guys at the show. All well and good. NGR then used a picture from the Mushroom, with the face of some Mushroom stooge blocked out to protect the stupid, in an article about lame geeks who go to E3 shows to get their pictures taken with models who can barely contain their disgust. Kevin Murphy, being a serious writer and all, immediately replied with more of the supremely funny wit the Mushroom is known for!

Hey guys,

Please take down the picture used at http://www.nationalgamereview.com/99.6.6/moree3.html

It was stolen directly from our Web site, and you have no permission to use it.

The NGR response…

howdy,

we’d like to take it down, but its just too hilarious. Let me introduce you to the 1997 case Polydorous vs. 20th Century fox. in short – "While broadcasters and filmmakers often obtain clearances for images and likenesses to avoid libel conflicts, the appeals court ruling indicated these are not legally required in the case of fictional treatments."

http://www.freedomforum.org/speech/news/971121a.asp

As our friends in Degeneration X like to say, suck it.

your friends,

-NGR

This led to much wailing and beating of breasts from the Mushroom, which is, after all, a "professional" site. After Kevin Murphy used his powers of satire and sense of humor to investigate the legal use of images on the web and emailing other "professionals" about it, the story broke on Old Man Murray, the most deadly website one could possibly piss off. After the fashion of all great satirists, Kevin Murphy responded in the best way he knew… by whining.

It’s really disappointing to me that I had some friendly e-mail exchanged with Erik last week and then you have to go and blast the Mushroom this week.

First off, NGR’s satire of us is fine. They can run satire of us all day and all night long. Neither my staff or I have any problems with that.

What we do have a problem with is their use of our image. They can run a pic of whomever they want, as long as they legally own the pic, or they have permission from us.

They don’t.

I did a parody of Iliad’s User Friendly comic strip a few issues ago. I blindly took his art and used it on my site, changing the words to the comics.

I was contacted by him within a matter of hours. He asked me to remove the comics, because I didn’t have the right to use them. If he let me use them, then he sets a precedent, and then anyone else could use them. That’s bad (for him.)

He told me that if we draw them ourselves, then we are legally in the right. That’s good.

So, I took down the comics, had them drawn, and uploaded them a few days later.

I do not see why I’m getting blasted by your site for defending my intellectual property rights. And you’re reporting news, so you can use the picture.

As far as the similar look of the Mushroom and the Onion, well…I did all of the graphics and HTML of the Mushroom myself, so I can legally use all of it.

As for your comments on Rob Budrick’s article, I’m not him, so I can’t speak for him. He wants to write legitimately one day (and I will be writing for a big publication really soon), and his point was that companies at E3 are there for publicity, so why would they be pricks to anyone?

Thank you for your time, and I really hope you can see our side on this, even if you disagree.

Anyone who has actually seen the parodies of User Friendly can attest to how amazingly funny they are. As if this wasn’t side-splitting enough, he then sent an afterthought. What a wacky guy!

While it is ok that you are using the picture from our site, it’s not OK that you have libeled my staff and I.

Please remove the line that says, "Actual Unfunny site: The Mushroom (not even the stolen html is as nice.)" as none of the HTML is stolen. The site was 100% created in Dreamweaver, with some tweaks done manually, by me.

I feel like a prick, but I know my media law, and you cannot say that The Mushroom steals HTML without solid proof. And if you view the HTML source for both pages, they look radically different.

NGR, barely able to control their laughter at Kevin’s amazing humor, returns fire…

Howdy!

This was not a smart thing to put on your site:

"Ahead of me were a bunch of hacks from one of our competitors, the National Gaming Review. They were young and frightened-looking. They weren’t ready for this kind of official treatment. They looked around nervously, like they knew they weren’t supposed to be in the same company as such distinguished luminaries such as PC Gamer, Next Generation and yours truly."

Its incorrect, the youngest person with us was 24, and the ‘frightened’ bit is hilarious. You don’t go to a conference with NGR unless you’ve got brass balls. Its also incorrect in that everybody with us preregistered, thus we didn’t have to print out our badges. A pretty clear case of libel by your definition. As soon as your site put this up about us, it the became open season. The only thing that is funny about you is the way in which you feel that you can write anything you want, and use pictures from anyone you like, yet you freak out so horribly when we use one picture from your site and when Old Man Murray says you stole the Onion’s HTML.

Do you honestly believe I am afraid that you will get the law involved in this? Here’s your case: after the Mushroom put up a bunch of incorrect and generally slanderous things about our staff, NGR took one of your pictures for use in a story about how game companies use models to lure pathetic people to their booths. The picture taken is the most perfect example of this phenomenon I could even think of finding. We cropped the picture to remove as much of Burdick’s face as possible, then blurred out the rest. I’m sure a jury will award you millions.

You placed an article about "how nobody treated us with respect at E3, even though you were VERY professional at the show" between multiple scans of floor ponies with very professional captions underneath like "Say cheese, honey. She’s the only Eidos girl who hasn’t made Playboy. We are still baffled as to why." If you can’t comprehend why this is hilarious, I suggest you get out of the humor business. Considering you guys attempt to make fun of people in the industry, its pretty awesome how worked up you are getting when somebody makes fun of you.

Fucking with National Game Review is a really really bad idea, I hope you have learned your lesson. In either case the picture will stay up forever and ever as a little reminder to you and yours. The more you attempt to annoy us into taking it down, the more determined I will be that it stays up.

As a close to this episode, I feel I must quote a good friend of mine with, "suck balls, palsy sow."

King of Comedy Kevin, however, knows the law…

Well, obviously, we were not libeling them because that whole article was full of half-truths. It’s not our fault you have to have a reading-comprehension above most third graders to understand what’s going on.

I cannot even comment on this. The truth is blinding me! Meanwhile, Chet and Erik at Old Man Murray kept up their bombing runs.

In order that the world may bask in Kevin’s comedic genius, he put up a long and really boring story about this on the Mushroom. (It has been reproduced at Lum’s page.) Meanwhile, the battle cries of the Old Man were heard by his ardent followers… Lum the Mad, Seanbaby, and some loser named Musashi or something. No one could deny the need to push the Mushroom out of our neighborhood as soon as possible. This meant WAR!


Two:  Beserker Attacks

The official declaration was laid out on Lum’s page on Wednesday, June 9, 1999. No one really knows what it meant, but it sounded good and was done in really big type. Granted, the history of web war is not a pretty one, with such debacles as Game of the Moment vs. Ultima IX Horizons still fresh in our scarred memories, but then again, Team GotM consisted of one moronic kid and a handful of drooling idiots, so disaster was sure to befall them. When you go to war, make sure the idiots are on the other side (for the most part)… and this certainly seemed the case with the Mushroom.

I lost control of myself, and during my lapse, I posted this to my own message board, which is read only by psychopaths too strange for Lum’s…

War Against the Mushroom, Day One
by Mu posted 6/9/99 10:14:47 PM

For those of you who actually read this site instead of those of Old Man Murray, Lum the Mad, National Game Review or that most holy of websites, Seanbaby, first get a clue and read them 8P. Next, these sites are at war against The Mushroom, a gaming satire site which has been less funny than even this one for its entire existence. The Mushroom has recently decided that they are real journalists, and are begging like little girly-men for other sites to take down stuff that makes fun of them. Waaah.

Personally, I would rather war on that moron fewlio at Game of the Moment, a sucky site which tries and fails to go to war with other sites rather than trying to come up with any content. However, because there are plenty of targets for character assassination right here in this very forum 8P, there seems to be little need. If anyone decides to war on the Mushroom, please do so with my blessings. Hey, if my name gets mentioned while demolishing the lifetime’s work of the Mushroom’s serious editor-in-chief, maybe I can get in good with Lum, Murray, and that darling of my heart Seanbaby! Wheee!

Oh that’s so awful. Wishing for a site which just tries to bring some laughter into the world to burn horribly and be crushed under the weight of its own webmaster’s ponderous self-image. I wish to see more unfunny satires of game release notices, more really dumb fake interviews which are supposed to be amusing, I guess, more…

AAAAAH! DEATH TO THE MUSHROOM!

This lapse of control and veiled confession of a homosexual desire for Seanbaby drew a few responses…

d00d…
by Clove posted 6/10/99 4:11:38 AM

…you’ll have to fight erik for the right to pinch Seanbaby’s ass. He’s his lovely wallflower.

I bet you can drink erik under the table though.

That’s it
by J. posted 6/9/99 10:25:34 PM

I’m signing you up for ValueClick. You need new motivation.

J.

… but it was THIS one which should have set off some sort of alarm.

Ok….I have nothing to do this weekend
by Dethbot posted 6/9/99 10:59:07 PM

What can I do?

Nothing I like better than annoying the shit oout of someone that can’t do a fukking thing about it.

Think I ‘ll check it out now.

Who was this Dethbot? All that anyone knew about him was that he had been a Heavy Gear pilot, and was a frequent arguer for the ridiculous notions that new games don’t universally suck. There was a rumor that he had developed some sort of psychosis as the result of being kicked in the head during his first gear duel with Musashi, but nothing had been proven, and certainly no medication was ever prescribed. However, the target had been acquired.

Not half an hour later, Dethbot returned from a successful sortie into Mushroom territory and presented this report:

This is what I emailed to The Mushroom…
by Dethbot posted 6/9/99 11:23:13 PM

Wow,
I love your site!!! It is very inspirational for me. I am an amateur web designer myself and I too have absolutely no writing talent what so ever. I am also not at all original and in spite of this I have aspirations to publish a web site.

Imagine how relieved I was to find a site that sucks way more than anything I could ever do.

I mean, you guys really sweat the details. Almost anyone with no talent could fuck up the content of a website. A select few could also fuck up the layout. But you guys! YOU FUCKING GUYS!!!! Not only do you have the worst content I have ever seen and one butt ugly fuckin’ layout, but you must have looked long and hard for those fucked up graphics and banners. You even fucked up in your color choices! Hell, your FONTS blow donkey dick. How much planning does it take to fuck something up with this level of completeness.

Holy shit!!!

Is your dad also your uncle?

Sincerely (I really do mean this shit!)

Dethbot
Soldier in the Peoples Army of MU [SPAM]

Reports of this devastating first strike were posted on the Lum page. According to insider sources, Mu was consumed with jealousy at this point, as he really wanted to be mentioned on Lum’s page, not some two-bit psychotic homeless lackey from his message board. Trying to stifle the situation, Musashi noticed that the craven Kevin Murphy had whimperimngly pulled down the long boring article from the Mushroom, in an apparent act of surrender.

White flag from the Mushroom?
by Mu View Profile posted 6/10/99 1:56:46 AM

The Mushroom pulled off its rant against non-professional webmasters who have sites funnier than theirs. Luckily, Lum copied it. Well, no, he changed enough of it around to make sure he wasn’t stealing their material. Lum = master of legality!

I think it was Dethbot’s letter that did it. 8P

However, there was no stopping Dethbot on his holy quest. His next attack, no matter how deranged, is funnier than everything on the Mushroom put together, which is perhaps its greatest strength.

My second Email to the Mushroom Bass Turds
by Dethbot posted 6/10/99 6:58:27 PM

Dear Sirs,

I feel a moral as well as spritual obligation to point out to you the fact that your site is an abomination. I have young children who use the internet and I would very much hate it if they were given access to a site as heinous as yours.

I realize that you have, in all likelihood, already categorized me as a religious fanatic. I also realize that you are probably already framing a response which is replete with references to the first amendment and parental responsibility.

What you probably do not realize is that my objection to your site does not stem from your repeated and gratuitous use of profanity. Likewise, I have no objections to your complete degradation of women or your continuous glorification of violence.

What I do object to, is the complete lack of talent exhibited by your writers. I mean Jesus H. Christ people!!! How did you manage to hire every typing-monkey in the fucking world.

Oh and by the way, when my infant daughter has diahrea, her shit is the same color as your background. Who the fuck did your website? If you have no idea how to make a joke funny, then why the fuck make banners out of your failed fucking attempts? Man, I am really glad you don’t have a live video feed. It would be like a toilets eye view of Roseanne Bar taking a burrito and MadDog shit.

I once saw a car hit a pregnant possum and got hit in the face by the placenta which exploded out of momma possum’s mouth and it did not make me nearly as nauseous as your piece of shit attempts at humor.

Sister Francis
Southern Pentecostal Actualization Movement [SPAM]

Other voices appeared in support of this movement, such as pro-Goth activist Mourne…

Also, having had a little experience with Shockwave (Found at Macromedia.com), I can safely say that the wankers at "The ‘Shroom" are either lying out of their asses, or are so completely inept at web page design that even the Goddly hand of Dreamweaver could not salvage their page design. Pity. Personally, I opt for the latter of the two, and I am kicking around the idea of making a one-time parody site to parade my relative unhappiness with The Mushroom

Something ancient and evil must have clicked inside Dethbot’s mind when he read this. Before you knew it, dangerous things were happening…


Three:  Rise of a Nation and the Horrors of War

Fanatical ground soldier Dethbot, who had never designed a web site in his life, became inspired by Kevin Murphy and decided that it was his destiny to take the Mushroom’s soon-to-be-vacated place in the world and replace it with something newer, something better. Inspired by an idea given him by fellow forum freak Mourne and encouraged by the fact that Kevin Murphy managed to make a website with no talent at all, he went to work. One day, without warning, a new site appeared and demanded to be recognized by other sites, the United Nations, and every Pokemon that hadn’t been bought by screaming kids at the mall yet. The Toadstool was born.

The mere presence of a picture of PeeWee Herman is enough for a site to claim, "We are funnier than the Mushroom." Response to this new entity was overwhelmingly positive, as icq addresses to the new site were passed around the web underground. The word spread, and soon it seemed that the UN was fully behind the Toadstool, with the notable exception of Lum the Mad…

Well, not only is that site pretty unfunny, it’s also done by the same guy who decided to practice his vocabulary all over the board last night, judging from IP addresses.

What’s this? Has Dethbot lashed out indiscriminately, destroying everything good and wholesome within reach like an out of control Roberta Williams? Perhaps the answer can be found by investigating the logs of Musashi’s military communiques. It seems that after the first time Dethbot was mentioned on Lum’s page, he figured he could leverage his position to usurp Musashi! Writing to Lum through encrypted channels, he laid the seeds of his evil plan.

hey,I am the guy that wrote the shitty email to those Mushroom dipshits and then posted it to Mu’s forum. The one you mentioned on your news page. That ain’t important. What is important is that Mu is pissed because you mentioned me on your site. He worships this site. I don’t play UO so this is actually the first time I’ve seen your site. hehe…. Jealousy….envy……help me twist the knife. Please email Mu.. howard@accessgate.net tell him you want to meet me and that you want me to write a column for your site or some shit like that. It will kill him. By the way, exactly what do we hate about the mushroom guys again? I never actually paid attention to their site. Mu said they suck so I spammed ‘em. Nothin’ better to do. I can only guess what this is about. Dethbot

Lum then forwarded this message to Musashi’s address, along with this tag…

Hi, Mu, I really, like, want to meet this guy and stuff. Um, and other jealousy inducing shit.
(hums theme from Melrose Place)

Lummy
More Evil Then You Know

Mu’s exuberant joy at having actually been emailed by the God of Ranting was somewhat overshadowed by his knowledge that unless something was done, his position would be usurped by Dethbot, and he would have to go back to writing those stupid UO stories again! Not sure of what to do, he decided to sinply enter their names into a form letter he himself had received far too often…

Thank you for using Brunch Buddies Online, the web’s first and foremost gay matchmaking service! Our founder Kevin Murphy would like to remind you at this time that "Brunch Buddies Online", "Brunch", "Buddies", and "Online" are copyrighted materials and should not be used without permission. We would also like to point out that Brunch Buddies Online is the only gay matchmaking service to be run by a PROFESSIONAL gay matchmaker, and not to settle for those other, non-professional run gay matchmaking websites, such as Lum’s Lunch Buddies, Old Man Meatpacker, National Gay Rendezvous, or Musashi’s Choosy Homo Page.

You can send feedback on your encounter to our professionally designed website, http://www.themushroom.com

Enjoy!

Kevin "Tovarisch" Murphy
Not as evil as the Onion, but using their HTML code

Dethbot replied with some evil-sounding epithet, but that was to be expected… after all, Dethbot was a soldier. An insane soldier, to be sure, but a soldier nonetheless. Soldiers have a lot of pressure to deal with. The visions that haunt them of ugly Mushroom HTML, the memories of jokes that don’t work waking them up in the night screaming, the horror of it all. It can get to you. It got to Dethbot.

Lum shed some light on the situation mentioned on his message board…

Well, your friend didn’t take this with the same amount of joie de vivre, since he spammed my message board with about 50 messages saying "fuck" in different ways.

Play nice, children, or stay out of my yard.

Lum

Although he does not know Dethbot personally, Musashi had to give him every chance, believe that somehow subnet masking or an evil twin was responsible for spamming the Lum board.

Who, Deth? Doesn’t sound like him…

The IP address posted was from his ISP… (I assume that was him since it was the same ISP the Mushroom parody was posted on)

Hmm. Could it be that Dethbot has cracked well and fully, so warped by the horrors of war that he can no longer tell friend from foe? Patriotism does extract a high price, and it might be that Dethbot has paid the ultimate price. Inquiries were dispatched to ascertain the truth of the matter.. Dethbot struck several death blows to our hated adversary. It is only fair that the truth of his psychological state should be determined, no matter how awful the truth might be.


Four:  War Crimes and the End of a Legend

Perhaps correspondent Clove put it best in this ICQ missive…

I feel kinda sorry for those Mushroom guys. I mean, I can understand being attacked by Old Man Murray and NGR… but DETHBOT???

Indeed, it is hard to imaging what sort of horrific crimes could justify suffering the wrath of Dethbot. However, troubling events still plagued this legendary mercenary’s reputation, and since no one else really wanted to email him, Musashi took it upon himself to negotiate the maze of middlemen and anonymous mail drops that would allow him to contact the shadowy mercenary…

Hey did you spam Lum’s blackboard? wtf 8P

Who’s Lum?

Huh? No doubt Dethbot has used special forces self-hypnosis to remove any sort of information from his mind that might compromise his mission. Musashi wrote the secret phrase that would unlock the psychic barriers to hidden memory on a torn-off piece of a Malkari box and sent it off via carrier pigeon.

The guy who posted your first letter… says his board got spammed last night by the same IP address that your parody site’s ISP uses

Well……that does seem a bit incriminating …….. hmmmm……..

If you didn’t I would get in touch with him asap. He was pretty pissed. 8P

Get in touch with him? And say what exactly? "Hi, you don’t know me but someone with my exact IP address spammed your board!!!"

Someone I have never met is pissed. Someone I will never ever meet is pissed. Sorry Mu, but this isn’t really bothering me a lot.

It seemed the world would never know. Dethbot was not going to let something silly like a minor quibble between nations stop his crusade. However, something must have snapped inside him, as soon it seemed that he was withdrawing his forces from the area of conflict. After, of course, releasing his trademark, nightmare-inducing afterword…

My Third Email to the Mushroom
by Dethbot posted 6/12/99 4:35:41 AM

I really do not give a fuck. WAR MEANS WAR!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Roll the dice…Roll’em all…

—–

Hi Guys,

How ya doing.

Thought I would let ya know. I have decided to put my first amendment rights to the test. I "accessed" all your E3 pics. Threw together a web page. (a non-profit totally amateur site) Posted most of your pics.

You have shitty taste in chicks. ( except for the cheerleader girls….mmmmm) You’re basically shitty. Please SUE ME! I don’t give a shit!! I don’t have a fucking thing to do!! I am basically looking for some way to make a point about free speech.

I called the ACLU. They think that I have the right to post anything I want on a non-profit site. And by the way…..I gave your url to the lawyer I spoke to and she thought your were lame as shit too.

So anyway. To make a long story short.

I stole your pics.

I think you are all no talent idiots and would like you to lick my anus.

And please do file that suit. I want to make you my BITCHES legally!!!

Dethbot

My email addy
martinc@busprod.com

hehe..

please…don’t give me copyright advice….I gives 2 shits…Bahahahahahahah….the first amendment
and the right to say SUCK MY FUZZ COVERED SCROTUM!! on the internet really is THAT
precious to me. Lets see how it plays out….I’ll post it here.

Shortly after the preceding message appeared in phantom letters in the sky over war-torn Mushroom territory, a messenger with his tongue cut out delivered the following scraps to Mu…

Well,

That mushroom war stuff is over for me dood. I never read the mushroom site …who the fuck ever would? "Lum the mad" site? Same deal for me. I am totally not interested in either site.

I like sending email like that to people and I think I am pretty good at it. Remember when i had the CHICKS SUCK guy so pissed at me? Well, I spammed the mushroom fuckers because I thought it was the opportunity to do something i like (viciously attacking a complete stranger) and do someone a favor (not sure who) simultaneously.

I must say that having my email posted on Lum’s site was of zero importance to me. But you seemed to give a shit so i think "hmmm….opportunity to fuck with Mu." You don’t actually know me Mu but I can not recall ever letting an opportunity for a practical joke go unexplored. I would not be able to sleep.

I suspect that, the favor i did (however miniscule) was for this lum ass, and so I attempt to recruit his aid in my practical joke scheme.

He shits all over it.

And your telling me HE was pretty pissed?

well….

I care ….no really.

And so Dethbot ceased his relentless assaults on the Mushroom, bombarding Kevin Murphy with funny material he could neither appreciate nor comprehend. However, one never knows what will come from this cloaked figure, as he lurks in the shadows of war, watching… waiting…

At around this time, Old Man Murray posted a notice of a ceasefire proposal with the Mushroom. The entire dispatch can be read at Old Man Murray, but one of the most touching arguments for the withdrawal of the Mushroom was as follows:

Have you seen Patch Adams? It’s wonderful. It shows clearly that the power of laughter can heal a sick child, better even than half a bottle of aspirin. What would happen if a sick little girl visited The Mushroom in a last ditch effort to find some healing comedy? She’d die before she found any, wouldn’t she? Do you want that on your conscience? I think if you look deep into your stylebook, you’ll find that you don’t.

With tears in their collective eyes, the American public turned their eyes to incoming reports on the story behind the story…


Five:  Endgame and the Red Scare

Although Old Man Murray had called for a temporary cessation of hostilities with the forces of the Mushroom, readers of Musashi’s page were too incensed by the atrocities of non-humor perpetrated by the enemy to stop. In their religious fervor, guerilla attacks continued on the defenseless opponent.

Harrassing the enemy with small arms fire.
by Mourne posted 6/12/99 2:12:25 AM

Mourne enlists!

I mailed this to the ‘Shroom. Wow… that’s the first time I’ve spoken in first person in several days.

Sirs:

I am writing in protest of your web page. I am well aware that I don’t have to view your web site, and therefor I do not. However, the one time overdose of vicious brain cancer I received when I chanced upon this terrible URL has caused me to have reoccurring a dream in which I am running from a giant, poorly read mushroom, which constantly threatens me (in all caps above its head) with issue after issue of boring updates and completely unfunny material.

The heavy barrage of suppressants I have been taking to forget your assault on the senses is both outrageously illegal, and more likely to cause some incurable anal cancer than viewing your site. However, as Marlow did in Heart of Darkness, I continue to "live" with the medication. I am hoping that this terribly unfunny letter will spark whatever crumpled humanity remains in the black bowels of your soul, and in turn you will take this site down, posting in its place an apology to people every where.

It is not my intention to make any one smile in writing this letter. Every night I wake with cold chills, screaming for my childhood dog Sparky, whom met an unfortunate end underneath the wheel of a big rig. The pain your site brings me is unbearable, and I beg that your decency prevail.

Mr. Murphy, tear down this wall-…er…site.

–Mourne, Secret Agent, the Army of MU.

Kill Mushroom…..Destroy…
by Volor posted 6/12/99 9:24:01 AM

I had never heard of The Mushroom until I came to Mu’s Forum and discovered the complaints. I went to the Mushroom to do my own evaluation and discovered that whoever is behind the site has either de-evolved or simply has no brain entirely. Why do they think any of that is funny? The story I read: "Why Nintendo’s new machine is called the dolphin" was complete nonsense. Why does the Mushroom EXIST?!?!?! Please tell me you made a mistake god! Please!!!!!

Kill….

Kill….

Kill Staff of The Mushroom….

Purify gene pool….

Earth better place….

From abroad, various allied nations voiced their support of the secret army’s efforts.

destroy 2000 years of culture (mushroom)
by National Game Review posted 6/12/99 1:57:24 PM

Its amazing that none of the NGR crew has stumbled across this temple of insanity and fun until now. To whoever is involved in this dispute with the Mushroom, we applaud you. Sure, this is the internet and there is plenty of room for all sorts of parody/satire sites on games and their ilk, but goddamn why do they even bother?! We know that it seems the loyalty around here is for Old Man Murray, and that is understandable, because they create some quality material! Be sure to check out our latest and perhaps greatest chapter to the War Saga on Monday at http:www.nationalgamereview.com

cheers.

-NGR

hey now
Sat, 12 Jun 1999 01:41:30 -0400
From: chet@oldmanmurray.com
Organization: Murray & Sons
To: howard@accessgate.net

On one of my continuing efforts to find mentions of myself, or nude pictures of the band bewitched on the web, I have stumbled across your war recap.

Thanks for making me laugh. As Kevin could never understand, if he made me laugh once, just once, I would never have said anything or at least stopped even quicker. But he just kept whining.

Check out: http://www.themushroom.com/tshirts.html

He has yet to put this up, but one of our readers who faked liking the mushroom got kevin to talk about his future plans. It’s all going to be about ultra witty T-shirts.

Thanks,

Chet

After Musashi had finished wiping himself off after the excitement of being recognized by the Gods of Gaming Satire overtook his better judgment, he began to realize that T-Shirts might not be such a bad idea. After all, all of these extra viewings of the page, although glorious and ego-inflating, have not resulted in any increase of income for Mu, nor has anyone eligible entered his contest yet!

Re: hey now
Sat, 12 Jun 1999 14:54:17 -0400
From: Howard Collins <howard@accessgate.net>
To: chet@murrayandsons.com

I was once thinking of marketing Musashi T-Shirts, which were nothing but really old shirts which I wear while kung fu fighting, so they get inundated with sweat and blood and bone fragments until they resemble grisly nightmarish body armor. Another time, when C. Dalton was flaming me and accused me of hurting people using the net as an anonymity shield, I was going to get some plain Hanes t-shirts and scrawl "Howard Collins has hurt you deeply" in black magic marker, then sell then for 40 bucks. Since I don’t have any ad banners or anything which pays for the site, in retrospect this sounds like a good idea.

The whining is really what annoys me as well. It’s ok to have an unfunny site… hell I run one myself. However the unfunny arrogance of the Mushroom looms on my conscience like a festering open sore crawling with maggots, demanding that even if I don’t do anything about it, I should complain about it to the world. And now, there seems to be no stopping the forces that attack the Mushroom, unstoppable until justice is served.

Christ, I just have a freaking personal home page about nothing! For the love of all that’s holy, what the hell is going on? 8P

However, at home, a different menace was rearing its head… that of Mushroom sympathizers within our ranks? Can this be true, or is this merely the Mu forum’s paranoia feeding on itself?

Mushroom Sympathizers
by McC@rthy posted 6/11/99 10:37:14 AM

I have reason to believe that Max Longstreet, aka Tigger is a Mushroom sympathizer. Several bookmarks were found on his browser and several witnesses recall him saying "what’s wrong with the mushroom?" Furthermore, I have evidence that he may have played several of the Kings Quest games. This shameless enjoyment of Roberta Williams games shows an undeniable lack of moral fiber. We must make it clear that we, as Americans, will not tolerate this kind of pinko behavior.

This cannot be!
by Mourne posted 6/11/99 2:44:34 PM

No! He was my neighbor for 14 years! We bar-B-Q-ed together! Damn you for betraying my hopes and dreams Max!! Damn YOU!!!!!

re: This cannot be!
by McC@rthy posted 6/11/99 2:48:32 PM

So, you admit that you are an affiliate of the traitor Longstreet!

At home, analysts speculated on what this entire conflict may mean to no one in particular.

Mourne gets a head ache.
by Mourne posted 6/12/99 1:01:04 AM

Political analyst Mourne here, trying in vain to disect the turbulence which has enveloped us.

What if The Mushroom’s key gimic is that they’re NOT funny? "We’re almost as funny as Nintendo Power" is a quote I remember seeing on their site. Well, we all know Nintendo Power is the king of UnFunny, so this is a stark possibility. I mean, consider that their main attention getting device is sucking! They could be laughing all the way to the bank because we fell into their vile trap and began hating them for sucking, which they intentionally do to get more hits!

How else can you explain their move toward pissing off OMM, and along side him Lum, Lum’s Cultists, Mu, and Mu’s cultists? When forces like these are combined – even unintentionally – are quite the menacing and destructive power.

Whether or not this has shed light on the situation remains to be seen… Most likely Mourne has just thrown a really big fucking wrench into the works, and will single handedly cause everything to jam up. :P

Stopping beat your head against the wall
by Shadwolf posted 6/12/99 9:01:28 AM

The possibility raised by Mr. Mourne is valid, however there are other factors involved. Here at the institute for researching shit that no one really cares about, we have isolated several annoying and useless features of the Mushroom. While this list includes whining as well as other offences, the most blaring is the bold and yet totally unsupported arrogance of the site. The continual barrage of comments telling you how "Professional" they are is sufficient cause to bitch slap the mofo, as we in the industry say. No sir, if anything the biggest wrench thrown into this machine is Dethbot, who proves that a total lack of intelligence can exist on both sides of the war. Let us hope that outsiders do not judge the rest of us according to what Dethbot writes, lest they write us off as a bunch of whiny, attention seeking little snots.


Six:  The Freedom of Information Act and Allied Victory

After all was said and done, after the smoke had cleared, what remained of the battleground was a smouldering, ash-covered, unfunny site, pretty much the way it started out. However, reading down the lists of casualties, one could only think, "Why? Why did we allow this to happen? How, in any decent society could an abomination like the Mushroom be allowed to exist without immediate euthanasia?" While searching for the reasons behind this, secret communiques and reports on the initial agttacks were released by NGR, and while they really aren’t pertinent to the questions above, they sure do make me laugh. These emails have been reprinted with the permission of NGR… as soon as I ask them about it. Fear my legal acumen!

Subject: Re: Copyright Infringement, Copyright Inschmingement
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 14:20:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: Kevin Murphy <kmurphy@themushroom.com>
To: National Game Review <ngreview@nationalgamereview.com>

Let me be more specific…

You altered *our* image without having our permission or giving us any type of credit. Since it is not well-known exactly what or who you are parodying, you have no right to use it.

This may have been true at the time of the event… since no one actually read the Mushroom, the NGR parody may have gone over their heads. Now, thanks to the sinister deeds of Kevin Murphy and the Mushroom, the world will never forget who and what they were, no matter how it may try to blot out the horror of the memory.

I did a parody of User Friendly, and I used Iliad’s original drawings. He was on me quicker than the folks at NGR are on drunk guys at a gay bar, and I found out that parody is fine, but I must use all original art. It’s copyright infrinement otherwise.

For the love of God, why didn’t anyone demand the Mushroom take down their "parody" after it had been modified, as an unfunny cartoon chewing up bandwidth like a tumor crowds out healthy brain tissue? Perhaps this is because no one read the Mushroom, or saw the parody, before the link was posted here. Dear God, what have I done?

So, please, take it down.

Kevin Murphy
Editor-In-Chief/Webmaster/Barbara Streisand Fan
The Mushroom
www.themushroom.com

Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 10:18:00 -0500 (EST)
From: National Game Review <ngreview@nationalgamereview.com>
To: Kevin Murphy <kmurphy@themushroom.com>
Cc: rbudrick@themushroom.com, revsean@themushroom.com, mcain@themushroom.com, dstudnicky@themushroom.com

Calling us gay! Damn if that doesn’t cut to the bone! Ouch! I hope you realize the irony involved in a site that has blatantly stolen the graphics and HTML from the Onion demanding we take down something taken from them. Your tale of how you took down somebody elses’ images when they told you to was a real heartwarmer, congratulations on your lack of backbone. I’m sure you’ve sought out full permission for every image your site has ever put up.

We wrote to you as an adult last fall, saying that there was plenty of room for both sites, and everything should be cool. You decided to act like a pissy little five year old and mysteriously turn us into your "competition" as one of your people put it. We are not your competition, as your site is lame. Dating advice from guys who travel all the way to E3 and then spend time taking pictures of floor models? I rest my case.

I would like to say that you can dish it but you can’t take it; except from the looks of your site the only thing you are capable of is calling people gay (most likely in a childlike attempt to affirm your heterosexuality in light of what is most likely a lifetime of sexual rejection) Just remember, you brought this onto yourself with your pathetic Hunter S. Thompson bit a while ago. We have never said a damn thing about your site, because as the folks at Old Man Murray like to say "making fun of the Mushroom is like beating up your retarded younger brother." You are way out of your league little boy, and if you’d like to discuss this further, it will be in person. We’ll be at Comdex in Toronto in July, and the big Comdex in Vegas this fall. If you can get your mommy’s permission to leave the house we’ll look forward to seeing you there, otherwise I suggest you enjoy viewing your precious picture on our site for the duration.

We anxiously await your supeona, I’m sure every gaming news site on the web will be more than glad to write up a blurb about any legal action you take. Feel free to embarass yourself even further than you already have.

-NGR

suck it!

Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 22:29:59 -0500
From: "Kevin Murphy, Editor- The Mushroom" <kmurphy@themushroom.com>
To: ‘National Game Review’ <ngreview@nationalgamereview.com>
Cc: rbudrick@themushroom.com

You guys are completely unprofessional.

There’s that "professional" thing again. Those people really know how to hurt a guy.

First off, we LINKED to you in that story where we bring you guys up. And the whole story is written in a humorous Stream-Of-Consciousness style.

Obviously, the whole thing about meeting with your staff was made up, just as made up as your story about us was. And if you can’t see that, then you need to go back to kindergarten to learn some reading-comprehension.

I didn’t think we "fucked" with you, especially after your letter. We gave you a nice shiny link, and we didn’t make fun of you at all.

As a side, I noticed you guys at the show, and you never would look directly at me or any of my staff. We couldn’t figure that out. I was ready to shake your hands. When I tried to show a smile, I was ignored.

Being ignored, in this case, should be construed as a positive reaction, much more friendly than the more appropriate slap in the face from a teary mother, weeping, "Monster! My son accidentally saw your front page once for a full second, and the doctors say his brain’s humor centers are gone forever! He had such promise! You stole my little boy! Monster! MONSTER!"

I’m just trying to protect my property, and you’re taking this a bit too seriously. I don’t care about you, your site, or the way you satirize us. You could post a picture of someone else and say it’s us. Fine. But you cannot use our image. Why is that so unreasonable.

And if you want me to take you guys more seriously, try some professionalism. Saying "suck it" and "suck balls," really doesn’t convey professional courtesy.

Twisting the knife…

And very interesting how you had no comments on what the woman from the site *you* referenced said. So what you’re breaking the law…if you ever want legitimate work in this industry, it could come back to haunt you.

Get over your hatred for us. We meant no harm.

Kevin Murphy
CEO/Editor/Writer/CIO/Secretary/Sex Machine/Barbara Streisand Fan
the Mushroom

http://www.themushroom.com

And now, one of the most mysterious acts of war… a letter from Rob Budrick in response to an attack that NGR claims they never made! Was the instigating act the work of an NGR covert ops strike team, their actions and existence disavowed by their controlling agency? Was it a third party mercenary organization, attacking the Mushroom out of a desire for material rewards rather than for the children? There is always Dethbot, watching, waiting…

The official comments from NGR ambassadors:

This one is the most hilarious one of all, because Burdick (the one pictured in the stolen image) replies back to us. Except we honest to god did not send this message to him. So he sends a blistering retort to an e-mail he recieved from someone else to us. Also sad to say he doesn’t put in the e-mail of the person who sent it to him, so we have no idea who it is.

Date: Wed, 09 Jun 1999 16:49:19 PDT
From: Rob Budrick <rbudrick@hotmail.com>
To: ngreview@nationalgamereview.com

(Hey, ngr: nice touch, having your fifth-graders-in-arms write for you)

Hey,

You know, it amazes me that every letter that the Mushroom gets concerning this matter from someone at NGR, or a friend of theirs (you) is written like a fourth grader, with no sense of style, grammatical quality or, or otherwise sense of reason. What amazes me even more is that the number of letters that we receive from people that believe we are correct in this matter, dwarf the number of letters from folks like you by about 10 to 1.

first off, omg you sound like a little 14 yr old toole who just convinced mommy that her paying for you trip to E3 would be a huge career advancement to your adolescent world-of-jacking-off…

Awwwwwww, poor little monkey is a bit jealous he couldn’t go. Been hanging around "14 year old tooles" to much, have you? Tsk tsk. What would you know about an adolescent world?–I find it hard to believe that you are even 10 years old, judging from your writing, and furthermore, you aren’t even allowed to look at the Mushroom because you can’t possibly be 18 yet. Please don’t go there again until then.

The use of the term "monkey" is construed as highly offensive and racist. I hope someone is calling the ACLU right now. And while the Mushroom may be intended for an 18 and older audience, rumors of a secret "Mushroomjügend", wherein children are indoctrinated into the world of higher level humor by having gigantic broomsticks shoved up their asses and bleating, "I’m a professional! I’m a professional!" over and over are too prevalent to be dismissed.

"mommy mommy, they were mean to mean and i had to run away because my lil’ pee pee was erect when i touched the nintendo babe"

Let me just note (since all you ngrs have taken my article WAY out of context) that everybody at E3 was great to us. EVERYBODY except the three companies that were mentioned in the article. If you are too stupid to read past the first five paragraphs, then that is not my fault. Your faulty reasoning skills show how immature and dim-witted you really are. Are you all upset because absolutely NOBODY treated NGR well at the show? I just can’t imagine that anybody would know who you were. Just about everybody knew who we were (even all those little companies in Kentia Hall). To tell you the truth, EA Sports seemed to be the only people who didn’t.

Note the spelling of the pronoun "ngrs" is not capitalized, and think of the "monkey" comment earlier. Could racial tensions be the source of the bloodshed? In an attempt to heal the scars that this war has created, let me just say that nothing unifies all people and brings together all cultures like a good, decent, healthy hatred for the Mushroom.

I find it obvious that you are all trying to promote NGR by riding on the tail of the Mushroom—a desperate and juvenile attempt indeed at furthering a site that will never be anything without writers who can write in a stylistic (read: keep me glued to the article), free-of-error (for the most part–I’m not talking about the occasional typo here and there–NGR is RIDDLED with bad grammar and other such mistakes)

I have to assume that the next phrase was going to be "writing in complete sentences", but the paragraph never ended.

which immediately brings me to my next point, wtf uses babe? nono llama boy, not ‘what the fuck’ more like "WHO THE FUCK" uses babe. do you still watch baywatch? or rather in your fucking terminology, "babewatch"?

Oh boy, you don’t get out much, do you? Don’t blame me because you never get any women. An if that is truly your "point" of your letter, as you put it, then you are a truly sorry individual who indeed has NO point. Seriously…what the hell part of the country do you live in where people don’t say "babe?" Since you probably don’t have much social contact to the outside world, i.e. no friends, when you turn 21 someday, walk into a bar and I’m positive you will hear the word once or twice.

Right about now, political analyst Musashi scratched his head and was heard to mumble, "Does this moron really think someone from NGR wrote this hatemail?"

(I asked a Nintendo booth babe, "Who is in charge of passing out the Pokeman?")

omg besides the fact that you will never write for "EGM, Gamefan, or any other well-known publication soon." like you think, but rather for you John F. Jackalot Middle Skewl, WTF (again who you numbsac) gives a rats ass about Pokeman.

My, My. I can’t say that I’ve ever run into someone with an intellect level as low as yours. Have you been living in a cave???? Pokemon has sold millions and millions of copies. People are crazy about it. If you don’t know that, you are stupid. And yes, I will write for a mag like that soon. I’ve already got job offers. It’s all a matter of finishing my last year of college (you know..a "job"…ever heard of one?).

Things become clearer. From these transmissions and recovered transcripts from the war, it becomes obvious that everyone who writes for the Mushroom is of approximately "college age". No doubt they, as young people, are rallying under the flag of C. Dalton in order to prove to the world their intellectual superiority, open-mindedness, and ability to write incoherent impressive-sounding arguments! They must be stopped! No mercy!

of all the homo-gay non-pubescent motherfucking douche toole, you sir are the king. you eptiomize toole, llama and whatever non-133750r things that exist.

Reread that and tell me if it makes an iota of sense. It’s just a bunch of random, curses thrown in an order so unspecific, they seem to be the rantings of one with Terets Syndrome. Please, get some help with your condition.

Unfortunately, while C. Dalton does indeed posess a thesaurus, Rob Budrick does not seem to own a dictionary. However, attempting to make fun of people with a debilitating neurological condition may be the closest attempt at humor yet by anyone affiliated with the Mushroom.

your article is pathetic and hypocritical. go read up on http://www.nationalgamereview.com/99.6.6/moree3.html

Hypocritical???? Oh boy, now you’ve got me started. NGR has been the hypocrite in this matter, claiming, "we can dish it out, but we can’t take it." Somehow, NGR is SOOOOO upset. We ran an article that Had theri name in it…..NGR WENT APESHIT!!!! Who’s the hypocrite? Duh. As far as my article being hypocritical, I have no idea what you are talking about. As far as its being pathetic, I’ve gotten more fanmail for that article than any I’ve ever written.

The very idea that the Mushroom staff gets fanmail made millions sick to their stomachs. No doubt there is an underground movement somewhere, providing covert support to Mushroom forces. This may be the vile purpose for which the Mushroomjügend have been brainwashed.

and send me any pix you gotz of those hotties with their nips poking thru, cause wanker, i’m sure you got plenty.

Wait a minute….first you rag on me for having the pics, then you ask me to send you some. You are the fucking hypocrite.

besides being a tard boy, you are a wanker…and no one likes wankers.

Who the hell uses "wankers?" You’ve got a lot to learn, sonny.

May you get four flat tires by an act of God,

Rob Budrick

As the secret communiques were released to a public hungry for the blood of the Mushroom leaders (reportedly now in a secret retreat, with only a style manual and hottie pictures from the E3 show to keep them company), the bombing raids seemed to quiet down, and the Mushroom’s extremely humorous page of whining had made no reappearance, nor were they heard from on the battlefield. For the moment, they seemed defeated, submissive, the subjugated enemy of an alliance of people and websites whose need to restore decency to the world motivated them to go far beyond the call of normal people, to war on a dangerously unfunny enemy that threatened their way of life with sniveling threats of litigation and stylistically correct writing that nobody wanted to read.

But are they defeated? Gone forever? No doubt like the fungus they emulate they shall grow again, in the dark, moist, manure-rich sewers of the internet. It is up to us to remain educated, and to warn future generations, about he horrors of the Mushroom. May their legacy of terror and boredom never be repeated, and never forgotten.


Seven:  Neutral Nations Speak Out and Profile of an Unfunny Madman

Secret communications from neutral countries in this matter indicate a growing dissatisfaction with the Mushroom, even amongst those who benefit from its unholy existence. A dispatch from The Misanthropic Bitch was intercepted:

The Mushroom War? I’ve always wondered what would happen when geeks attack. It’s a shame that the Reverend Kevin Murphy of the Sanctimonious Church of the Humorless can’t fight. It’s painful to read his responses.

From the beginning, I told him not to respond unless he could launch a brutal attack full of barbed witticisms. I don’t fuck with anyone unless I know I’ll come off as superior. He didn’t take my advice, and now he looks like a fool.

The Mushroom is rarely funny, but hey, I’m a whore for hits, so he can keep the banner.

-TMB

Musashi’s Cheesy Press Corps was quick to publish the drunken magistrate’s response…

Geek attacks are nothing to laugh at! The aggressors have years of pent-up sexual frustration, and a vast amount of energy which was previously directed into playing sucky online games and memorizing the scripts to bad sci fi shows.

The Mushroom this week is particularly heartbreaking… Kevin is trying desperately to fight back against a force he cannot understand with tools he does not possess (humor). I will remember to try and remain compassionate as I observe the inevitable backlash wash over him like the red sea.

Hey, if you need hits, no need to debase yourself… although debasement is entertaining in itself as well. If you like, I can try and plug TMB, and soon you will have a veritable squadron of geeks overrunning your pages and writing you love letters!

I’m just curious as to why I never got a reply to that anal sex story I sent you a really long time ago.

Mu

In fact, in order to rescue the Misanthropic Bitch from the need to debase herself for additional hits, humanitarian agencies have encouraged people to visit her site, which unlike the Mushroom is funny, and if you can find some way to do it which isn’t illegal, let the world know that you didn’t give her the hits because of the Mushroom. Magistrate Musashi added this caution: "But, uh, don’t like spam her mail or guestbook or make her mad, cause I think she likes me, mmm huhuhuh hehe huhuh…" Freedom for the oppressed neutral nations seems close at hand, and the tyranny of Kevin Murphy shall be smashed forever.

(Oh and if Kevin Murphy reads this, uhh, I made all that up. The Misanthropic Bitch didn’t call you unfunny. You are safe and secure in your bunker. Really. 8P)

At about this time, some startling propaganda wa released by loonygames, which as its name suggests, is also a "gaming humor site." In a shameless act of self-promotion, Kevin Murphy had an interview with himself published on loonygames, which is at once horrifying and saddening to read. The one thing this interview will not do is make one laugh, but the same may be said for the Mushroom. (An underground resistance cell claims to have posted the unabridged interview in a secret location.)

Before one even looks at the interview, one is treated to a number of "related links", with some rather outrageous blasphemies, including the following bit of unbelieveable political covering-up…

The Mushroom : Kevin Murphy’s homage to The Onion, and the funniest game site you’re likely ever to find.

The end of the listing was left off for space considerations. It should have continued: "… if you have never seen a computer before, and some cruel person forces you to look at the Mushroom just before your agonizing death, possibly as a form of euthanasia."

Analysts, already scarred psychologically from having been exposed to too much Mushroom writing, begrudgingly inspected the interview in question. The very opening of the interview is telling…

Name, rank, serial number?
Kevin Murphy. I’m the head writer of The Mushroom…and I’m also a client.

A client of what?
That was a Sy Sperling hair club for men reference. Sorry.

Sorry, missed me.
np

Something must be wrong. The loonygames interviewer failed to understand an ancient joke (which wasn’t funny when it was new) told by the head writer for "the funniest game site you’re ever likely to find"! Strange things are afoot. On to other excerpts…

Have you gotten any flak for looking so similar to The Onion?
Yes, from about three people. I don’t really understand it. I mean, it’s a way of showing them flattery. The reason The Mushroom "rips off" The Onion is because the name is just perfect. I can’t think of another good name for The Mushroom. It fits.

Rumor has it when the Mushroom was first envisioned, Murphy rejected several other suggestions, including "The Onion Ripoff", "The Unfunny Game Site", "The Festering Open Sore Crawling With Bloated Maggots", and others, all of which were (a) more appropriate and (b) funnier than "The Mushroom".

In response to a question about infrequent updates:

Number Four: Plain and simple– lack of funny writers. I need not only people who know as much as I do, but I need people with a good sense of humor. Believe me, they are not easy to find.

As a humanitarian gesture, the allied forces would like to point out that funny writers are easy to find if he wished to check into the people who have been kicking his clueless ass for the past few days. While it is true that they do not know as much as he does, this can be easily remedied via prefrontal lobotomization.

You said you want to get advertising, but you have a banner running on the bottom of your page…what is that?
Well, I’m giving advertising away now. You’d be surprised. I thought most companies would jump at it, but no.

As Shadwolf said… "Imagine that!"

You’re a journalism major, so…is it safe to assume this is what you’d like to do as a career?
… I could do almost anything with my life, really. I’ve always considered comedy writing an option, and I would love to do something with that too…

When this interview came out, the preceding line was highlighted by security councils the world over, who then said, "THIS is why this madman must be stopped!" The spectre of Kevin Murphy writing comedy, although completely impossible in the strict definition of "comedy", should be horrifying enough for the world to understand the threat it faces.

For now, however, Kevin Murphy seemed to be subdued, a harmless crank who wrote bad material only he would ever laugh at in the confines of his basement. However, the peace that the Armies of Light and Good had sought was not a lasting one, as a shocking counterattack was soon to crash ineffectually upon the ramparts of actual funny websites the world over…


Eight:  A Whimpering Act of Defiance and Bloody Retaliation

The allies had shown more mercy than was deserved. Peace had broken out, aside from the occasional guerilla raid into Mushroom-held wastelands. Everyone was breathing sighs of relief… even if the Mushroom refused to dissolve itself, as heavan had mandated, at least it would retreat into its previous status as a bad site that no one would ever read. However, it was not to be. The Mushroom, in a surprising maneuver, had lashed back out at its myriad enemies in their newest issue, in an attempt to regain some of the credibility they thought they had possessed. However, it was a doomed attempt, as they were retaliating against a force they could not comprehend, with tools (humor) they did not possess. Their headline banner was indicative of this:

WE SURE LEARNED OUR LESSON: THE INTERNET IS FULL OF LOSERS

While no one can truthfully argue this point, the meaning behind the platitude was lost on the enraged, gibbering mentality of Kevin Murphy, as he began to quote from his manifesto of unfunniness, Mein Mushroom…

"Rule #1 of game/computer humor: Linux is not, and can never be funny."

No one is really sure about what this phrase means. The Linux OS is featured prominently in the Mushroom’s own proudly touted parody of User Friendly, a parody which is, by all accounts, not funny at all. I suppose they have a point.

"If the site refers to body parts, gender preference, race, or sex more than major game companies or figures in most of their articles, chances are they’ve gotten way off topic. They need to rethink how their humor pertains to the gaming industry."

This appears to be an attack on such sites as Old Man Murray, whose muck-encrusted boots Kevin is not worthy to lick. However, in the very same issue, frequent instances of sexual diatribes appear, indicating that the Mushroom may have some rethinking to do. Some have postulated that this may be an attempt at subtle sarcasm on Murphy’s part, but as such techniques are far too advanced for him, the idea was quickly dismissed.

"If a site pops up simply to slander another site, obviously that person has nothing better to do and needs to get a fucking life."

In the context that the Mushroom uses all of the Onion’s layout graphics and tries its best to look exactly like the onion, sans humor or decent color scheme, this must be true. The degree of unfunniness found in such a blatant copy of the Onion might well be construed as slander, or more likely a horrible abomination on the face of humor everywhere.

On the other hand, the above statement may be Kevin’s attempt at telling a joke! Kudos for the effort!

"If the site contains any one or all of these phrases: ‘image of a naked woman shitting directly into a clown’s mouth’, ‘While waiting to masturbate to Friends last night, I caught some of the President’s address’ or ‘National Game Review, a site that makes me laugh consistently’, the sense of humor and sanity of the webmaster(s) is in question. They need help."

A direct attack on Old Man Murray! The hubris and arrogance of the Mushroom is not to be believed.

In another article, the sinister Kevin Murphy attacks the allies of the Old Man, decrying their holy quest to rid the world of the unfunny cancer that is the Mushroom and saying they were really mean.

Other sites soon followed suit, eagerly displaying the threat that is the Mushroom. Among the sites were a number of Ultima Online fan sites. Experts agree that the influence of a few Ultima Online players alone could bring the Mushroom crashing to its knees. The players wield such power as to build furniture or weave shirts for long periods of time without falling asleep.

A note of caution here to Ultima Online players who may be involved in this most righteous of causes: while your power is great, as Kevin admits above, they are nothing to the powers of the 2 or 3 readers of the Mushroom, who are able to read an entire issue of that blasphemous publication without slitting their own wrists.

Murphy will join the ranks of tobacco companies and the NRA as national villains and may go down in history books as the 20th century’s most hated man.

This is uncalled for. Comparitive statements involving Kevin Murphy, the NRA, tobacco companies, or for that matter Adolf Eichmann are extremely unfair to those being compared to Kevin Murphy.

Kevin Murphy, a complicated, uncaring, unfunny, secretive young man.

Maybe he is beginning to understand.

In other articles in that very same issue, the Mushroom managed to take such obvious humor targets as Ion Storm, Nintendo, and the Columbine Massacre and made them entirely unfunny. Their Columbine article was also a direct ripoff of the Onion’s "What do you think?" feature, minus the pictures, the words "The Onion", and the humor.

These acts of gross inhumanity would not be tolerated for long. Crack special forces teams arrived quickly, subjecting the Mushroom to more of the merciless abuse that they are probably used to by now.

I may as well join in the festivities
by WORMEYES posted 6/14/99 1:54:23 AM

I was scrolling down your page for the first time and at the bottom there was a question that asked if I had an issue near and dear to my heart to email the mushroom. So I thought about it a minute and YES!!! there is an issue near and dear to my heart. It concerns your so called "talent" for writing. Man you have to have THE shittiest fuckin site on the web. You must be going for some kind of "holy old fuck I suck bad award" Look at the fucking color of your site? Do you have some kind of runny-ass yellow diarrhea fetish? And HOW THE FUCK do you come up with those completely dry-ass articles. The only reason I never fell asleep while I tried to read some of those boring mispelled articles is beacuse I had to hold back the nausea from looking at the damn layout. You say your in college? You sure as fuck aren’t taking any web design courses. If I let a goat shit all over my monitor it would look better than your fucking sorry ass excuse for a website. I guess what I’m really trying to say is the only thing that sucks more dick than your site would be your mother.

A rallying cry came, once again, from the headquarters of Lum the Mad…

MURPHY VIOLATES CEASEFIRE AS MUSHROOMS STREAM ACROSS THE DMZ; ARMIES OF LIGHT AND GOOD MOBILIZE AS SEANBABY APPEALS FOR CALM

… In short, it is time to finish the job. We must not, we cannot rest, until every children is safe in bed, asleep, with their own E3 Pokemon.

There had been no announcement from the leviathan of battle that is Old Man Murray, yet there could be no doubt that the attacks directed against their bastions of divine funny material would go unpunished. The National Game Review had never ceased prosecuting the war. The War Against the Mushroom seemed to be entering its bloodiest, ugliest phase. However, a sudden change of tactics was about to take place, one that would hopefully remove 90% of the Mushroom’s hits from its free ad banners and let it atrophy back into anonymous inconsequentiality…


 Nine:  Closing the Mushroom Curtain

 Acting on their own initiative, motivated by a need for justice to prevail, small platoons began making probing attacks into the Mushroom’s soft, vulnerable, badly-written outer perimeter.

Email #4……
by Dethbot posted 6/14/99 11:10:02 PM

Dear Kevin,

I was just browsing around your website.

I noticed some really peculiar images in your E3 section. You have one image that is apparently a reasonably attractive young nurse or a woman dressed as a nurse.

Hey, I like women in uniform! I really do!!! What I don’t understand is why you posed her next to that huge mound of mouldering shit. Where did you get that shit? It is stacked very high to be such a narrow, girly looking pile of shit too! I bet it takes practice to pile shit like that. I dare say it might even take a PROFESSIONAL.

Why did you put clothes on the shit? After deciding to put clothes on the shit, why did you decide to dress it like a complete dickless idiot twenty-something virgin?

Why is the area of the shit mound that is at hip level wider than the area of the shit mound which is at shoulder level? Is it a little whining bitch mound of shit?

I have noticed that your website’s background is quite shitty in color. Are you attempting to cultivate a shit motif for your website in general.

I would venture to say that you are making great headway in establishing yourself as the proprietor of the shittiest site on the web.

I am certainly no PROFESSIONAL but I really don’t understand how you intend to attract people to such a shitty site.

Cole N. Ektimmy
Silly Person Articulating Malice [SPAM]

 At the same time, a message arrives at SPAM headquarters, bearing a menacing, official-looking header…

Cease and Desist Order (CA 5324855295 County of Sacramento) re: The Mushroom
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 13:53:59 -0400
From: Sean Harrison
To: "’howard@accessgate.net’" <howard@accessgate.net>

Regarding the website ‘The Mushroom’ ( http://themushroom.com<http://themushroom.com> , hereafter referred to as ‘the mushroom’)

Properly understood, copyright does not bar republication of created or derivative works, nor does it bar the development of analogous created works in reference to those copyrighted and other restricted or otherwise controlled works. As the mushroom demonstrates, however, in the real world that may be irrelevant. Under the doctrine of equivalents, a derivative work product that substantially duplicates the ‘artistic facets’ (As defined under section 1211-h11 of the United States Department of the Interior specification on American Works) created by a competitive (with or without written permission) or non-competitive entity, or their affiliates or authorized contractors, infringes the copyright. On its face, the mushroom stands for the proposition that a patent or copyright provides ironclad protection for the creator of a work, and for the creator of the parent work in which an original conceptual artwork (Including, but not limited to, prose, poem, drawings, paintings, images, other scripted works, music, or any other original work that can be represented in digital form and be distributed to the population at large) might be included in. What the mushroom did not consider is whether such a patent can – or should – be enforceable.

Addressing these issues in any meaningful way requires consideration of both the theoretical and institutional underpinnings of the patent and copyright system. Doctrinally, the federal courts have failed to develop a workable rule for distinguishing patentable from unpatentable works when they are represented by digital means. Institutionally, the Patent and Trademark Office ("PTO"), which functions as the initial gatekeeper and presumptive expert on questions of patentability, has proved ineffective at discharging its statutory mandate where digital artwork is concerned. Together, these systemic failures undermine the presumption of validity that attaches to a duly approved patent or copyright, and on which the mushroom creators relied. Judged against a more rigorous standard of patentability by a more demanding gatekeeper, the alleged misconduct of the other websites (including, but not limited to, Old Man Murray, NGR, Scatterblaks) might well have been found undeserving of protection versus punitive damages as instituted by the staff of the mushroom. Such standards have been proposed, but so far have received little scholarly or judicial attention.

The fact of the current matter is this: The mushroom is manned by a half-assed fuckwit, completely unfunny, talentless, and completely incapable of gleaning the slightest whit of the current battle, let alone gather any wisdom from it.

Please leave them alone, for this reason, if no other:

You’re battling wits with an unarmed man. :)

Scatterblak
http://www.scatterblak.com <http://www.scatterblak.com>
Team Fortress News

P.S. Thx for the laugh riot re: the fungus place. :)

Just when it seemed that a mass attack was inevitable on Mushroomführer Murphy, Lum mysteriously retracted his analysis and call to war from his recent announcements! Inquiries were made…

I see the analysis of the Mushroom’s latest attack is not on your page. Accidental old version overwrite or you had enough of this mushroom nonsense? 8P

The latter. Plus my teen idols at oldmanmurray.com are trying to let this old dog die (as Chet put it, "it’s like punching a baby to get it to be quiet… it’s easy and it works, but you want to keep it under wraps.")

This reminded Mu about a previous exchange he had participated in, wherein he was informing the Old Man about the looming threat of insignificant unfunny attacks on him…

In case you haven’t noticed because you’re busy looking at websites that don’t suck, the Mushroom has lobbed a couple right at you wacky youngsters and the decrepit old man. Heads up.

Mu
Insignificant Writer of War Journals and UO Crap

yeah, saw this… is kevin ever funny? I think we gave him his best material to work with so far and still he fails…

Chet

Where was the fervent call to battle? Where was the bloodlust? Where was the drive to free the world from the yoke of crappy reading material? While pondering this, a hidden microthread was discovered in the paper the message was delivered on. Examination through a microscope revealed the following shocking message: "THE ONLY WAY TO KILL THE FUNGUS IS TO IGNORE IT".

War analysts had returned from their deliberations with a shocking revelation: Kevin’s asinine antics had actually increased the number of hits on the Mushroom by approximately 4000%! While it is always true that a war tends to be good for the economy, when one’s economy is as depressed by horrible mismanagement and terrible jokes as that of the Mushroom, this "war" was a positive boon to them! Horrified, Magistrate Musashi realized that through his coverage of the conflict, he may have released the terrible images present on the Mushroom to dozens the world over!

Emergency protocols were enacted immediately. First, all actual links to the Mushroom were deactivated, in case the Musashi forces might inadvertedly give the Mushroom more ad banner impressions. In addition, the Musashi administration withdrew its official backing of the war on Kevin Murphy and his pathetic forces, making a statement to the defeated opponents that paraphrased The Misanthropic Bitch: "You’re so close to being retarded that I can’t really hate you." The Musashi ground forces withdrew from the smoking ruins of the Mushroom, leaving the deranged and comedically crippled Kevin Murphy to spout his defiance to no one in general.

Is this the end of the war on the Mushroom? Sources state that Lum may be busy with the redesign of his cabinet to reflect his lack of interest in Ultima Online these days, Musashi is bored at this point with beating the hell out of a handicapped pinhead, and Old Man Murray… who knows what Old Man Murray is ever up to? But freedom fighters in the Mushroom zone have vowed to continue to prosecute the holy war, and ominous statements such as this one from the Total Shit Network have appeared, scrawled in glowing letters, in broken English, on message boards throughout the cosmos:

… I plans for greater yet assaults on the Shroom. This mind does not stay idle. Something big is coming. Something big…

And in parting, sword-saint Erik was heard to deliver this address to freedom fighters the world over…

Hey brother
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 19:12:07 -0400
From: erik <erik@oldmanmurray.com>
To: howard@accessgate.net

Nice fucking job on the history of The Mushroom War. Murphy is just so pathetically defenseless that chet and I felt it was time to move on. Godspeed to anyone who wants to continue the war, however…

Is that Misanthropic Bitch letter actually a hoax? I keep wondering how the hell she got mixed up with the mushroom. Also, in the spirit of accurate reporting, the baby punching quote that Lum attributes to chet was actually from me.

keep up the good work, soldier,

erik…

And so a rather disturbing chapter in history has come to a semi-closed state, as the world gives thanks to the Allies for containing the plague of stupid attempts at comedy that is the Mushroom. Our hopes and dreams (and unofficial support via covert channels) goes out to those brave souls who continue the struggle in the trenches, attacking mercilessly through email and bad vibes, striking directly at the cold, black, shrivelled heart of Kevin Murphy, as the rest of the world closes their eyes to the horror, praying for the day that the Mushroom closes down its domain, choking to death on its own unfunniness.


Epilogue:  The Reverend’s Sermon and Child of a New Age

The State of the Union
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 05:26:00 GMT
From: Sean Doe <revseandoe@hotmail.com>
To: ngreview@nationalgamereview.com
CC: feedback@oldmanmurray.com, lum@webtoys.net, howard@accessgate.net, martinc@busprod.com

Well, the war is over and to be honest, I miss it. For once I had a reason to go to your site, as well as Old Man Murray and those other rabid onanists. The war, which I was really disappointed I was left out of, had its brilliant moments, and as much as this might piss off Kevin, I actually did laugh at some of it. Fortunately, none of it was anything you wrote.

I hate to use Old Man Murray as an example again, but they did it right. They use crudity and foul images as a sort of imagery that none of the tepid words you call stories can even imagine. Jesus Christ, An Ultima Online fanboy page and whatever the fuck Musashi claims to be are just as funny as you are! Which is good for them, but make you seem kinda pathetic. As for Dethbot and his ilk, it’s been a week, they’ve gone back to spanking it to newsgroups. I bet it was fun and sure as hell wasn’t boring.

Considering I sorta started this with my E3 coverage, which I can’t believe you can ever mistake for actual journalism, I figure I have enough goddamn authority to slap your bitch asses around. I like fun at other people’s expense as much as the next hack, as many of my articles attest. But I can take this crap from my peers, people of equal ability. I, however will not brook this shit from the likes of ye.

It’s not like I have any misconceptions about the Mushroom’s place in history, but taking shit from you is like white trash with a trailer taking shit from the homeless. The only good thing about you mocking our design for your page is now your page is readable. I don’t know what tabloid look you were going for with your old look, but it wasn’t working.

Your little closing letter today was supposed to make me feel humble, I guess. But all it really managed was to irritate me. The whole vibe of "we’ve decided to end this war, so you can breathe, but we’d prefer you closed your site" was such a joke. You didn’t end the war; the shallow nature of the Internet ended it. It wasn’t interesting anymore, and once people saw the same headline twice, hey clicked elsewhere. To quote Saint Robert in the book of Corinthians 3:18, "You had your shot…and YOU BLEW IT!" More people clicked on your site from someone covering (or participating) in the war than you get all month on your own.

All I can say is I can’t wait for "E3: Day Two" to get published. I stayed out of it, partially out of whatever I can pass off as "professional journalism," but mostly because Kevin asked me to keep my big fucking trap shut. I already sent you one little love letter to take responsibilty for my own words, but nobody stepped up. But anyway, while I kept my mouth shut in this whole affair, I did pay attention. Enjoy the next update.

With the Lord’s love,
The Reverend Sean Q. Doe

PS I do have to congratulate you on getting mentioned on Voodoo Extreme yesterday. Oh, wait. That was us.

This is just a joke (need to start off with that): The Mushroom has posted an article "Brian Hook leaves Verant, Joins Ion Storm". Pretty damn funny stuff. Once again, being The Mushroom (and being that I know Hook), this is not the case (joke kids, joke).

But, well you were on Planetquake the other day.

Hook Leaves Verant?
6/15/99, 10:22:00 AM

A good dose of humor regarding Brian Hook was found over at The Mushroom by my pal Ozone. Check out the article entitled Brian Hook Leaves Verant, Joins Ion Storm. You finally get to find out what game programmers do all day!

— geezer

Ooops. Us again. Sorry.

(O.K., that last part was petty, but I couldn’t figure any other way to do it. I wholeheartedly apologize for such a low brow, unfunny excuse for humor.)

Re: The State of the Union
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 02:07:43 -0400
From: Musashi <howard@accessgate.net>
To: Sean Doe <revseandoe@hotmail.com>

Man, this is the best thing I’ve seen yet out of the Mushroom camp! Where the hell were you?

In retrospect, although your E3 report may have sparked the NGR retort, the origin of all this nonsense was the way in which the retort was handled. Still, if only you hadn’t kept your "big fucking trap shut", this may have all been that much more interesting/entertaining. One man CAN make a difference!

Mu
Whatever the fuck I claim to be

PS: I’m not sure quite how to take being called "just as funny as NGR". Good thing I never claimed to be a comedy site. 8P

In retrospect, the Mushroom could certainly have used the services of the Reverend in the trenches. Whether the sermon was actually funny or not may be a clouded judgment call, but from the benchmark of the rest of the Mushroom’s maneuvers, it’s pure hilarity.

I soon was slapped back into reality, though, after going to a truly funny page, and hearing the gospel of Seanbaby, as he responded to our own hated Kel Riever…

If you visit the frighteningly bad The Mushroom, they tried to insult me in one of their unfunny articles. It was almost as pathetic as their self-serving dating advice they pieced together by playing girl characters in Dungeons and Dragons.

Sample:
‘If you’re having problems meeting men, DO THE APPROACHING. And, I highly recommend approaching guys who look like they probably don’t get laid much. Believe me, they are the ones who will be the most devoted. They don’t have to be ugly, but you know who I’m talking about. The computer dorks, the nice guys, etc.’

I don’t know how they found such a consistently unreadable taff of writers, but telling someone how much The Mushroom sucks is a lot like advising someone not to put a cat in the microwave. It’s a waste of time, and even people as stupid as The Mushroom’s writers will figure out something’s wrong when their pets start exploding."

Good God, thank you for that reality check. I must have been high before. Let us not be tricked into false ideas about bad comedy by gauging them against standards like the Mushroom or Musashi’s Cheesy Home Page. So moved was I by this epiphany, I felt the need to confess my sins at that greatest of altars, Seanbaby’s guest book.

I could say a lot of good things about this page. I could remark on the fact that when you look at the source code, it doesn’t look like a tangled mess of useless HTML tags that instantly cancel themselves. I could go on about the balls it takes to have Dr. Doom and Power Man working together for peace together. I could talk about the lonely nights that seemed shorter after gazing at pictures of Lynda Carter. I might even reveal the secret address to the live video feeds of Lis’s bathroom. I could grovel over the fact that my page is total crap next to this one. However, if there is one thing I will always remember this page for, it’s how Sean’s response to Kel Riever slapped me out of a drugged stupor during which I thought the Mushroom may have been funny once. Thank you. Oh God in heaven, thank you. Thank you.

Seanbaby’s response made me think one thing… "How did he know?"

NEW YORK "CHUBBY" WILL VISIT JAPAN IN 1998; WHERE ARE THE JAPANESE "CHASERS"

My job is sponsoring a tour to Japan in late winter/early spring of 1998–where could I meet a masculine, well-built Japanese "chubby chaser" I’m 47 yo, 165 cm, 118 kg, clean-shaven, moderately hairy, just under 15 cm uncut. I love oral and lots of sweaty body contact. Please send age and detailed physical description with reply. Of course, visitors are welcome here in Manhattan! Bodybuilders a +, Married/Bi OK.

Sean Doe eventually responded, helping to bring me further into the realm of understanding that nothing associated with the Mushroom can truly be funny…

Want a quick laugh or two?
To: kmurphy@themushroom.com
Cc: lum@webtoys.net, ngreview@nationalgamereview.hotmail.com, martinc@busprod.com

First, the response from the wonderful, fruit flavored NGR.

hey hey!

We anxiously await the severe thrashing your site will administer on us, and congratulations on voodoo extreme, I’m sure it will land you the job at EGM so you can have fourteen year olds read your stuff. We have been on dave’s classics this week, and we are so excited about it, I use it to prove how great our site is. Our stories are going to be like this from now on: "We mention the name of somebody we know in the industry in an unfunny story in order to hopefully get attention and links." Also congratulations on knowing somebody who works for id, I’m sure it will get you as many chicks as he gets from working there. Either way, judging from your hotmail account, you are a man of serious importance, so we’ll make sure not to cross you in the future!

-NGR

p.s. please no more brutal bitch slappings! Your literary bravado makes me flinch at the thought of another onslaught of barbs from your apparently endless wit! Also, we’d like to thank your mom for her work in the alt.binaries.double.bestial.penetration newsgroup! We had long thought that donkeys and goats wouldn’t work well on screen together, until her master contortions proved us wrong!

Next Musashi added his two cents…

(see above)

then Dethbot chimes in with his creative wisdom….

I too enjoyed your mom while spanking.

And finally the UO fanboy speaks…..

At 05:26 AM 6/18/99 +0000, Sean Doe wrote:
(all sorts of htmlized crap that Eudora decided wasnt’ worth quoting)

You know, someday, in the mists of the far future, I hope to be taken seriously as a REAL AUTHOR like you guys. I know, I just write for "an Ultima Online fanboy page" (whatever the fuck THAT is), and also write for other general gaming sites in my spare time when not doing my newspaper column. But obviously all that pales before the gods of mainstream journalism that are th’ Shroom. I mean, since I’ve never been noticed by the great circle jerk that is the Quake fanboy community that you seemed so proud of, I obviously ain’t shit.

Just overcome with emotion at the honor of being on your bad Hunter S. imitation spam list,

Lummy

Those reactions made the letter completely worth it. If we were more low brow, we could print them, but they’re funny to laugh at, not funny on their own. I think my point was made, God knows I like stirring up the sensitive ones, especially those who claim to be my literary peers. One of the best things about them is the recurring theme of professional journalism. As the one writer who could give a fuck about professional journalism, gaming journalism or any future in it, me getting lectures on it are hilarious. Me, a "real author"? Apparently, I’m not the only one with drug problems.

Yours in Christ,
The Reverend Sean Q. Doe

Now lucid again, I could only scratch my head and wonder, "What the fuck was his point supposed to be?" And who the hell would claim to be his literary peer? Certainly no one is so horrible as to deserve that description. There are so many things to rip him about here… the fact that he is trying to step into the beaten and broken Kevin Murphy’s place to absorb a few more rounds, the fact that his standpoint on professionalism is the opposite of the crap that was so important at the beginning of this nonsense, the fact that he thinks provocation is the same as humor, or just the fact that he is defending a retard. However, the cleansing of one’s soul must take precedence.

I feel there is a need to clear my conscience. When I replied to the Rev’s email, I may have said some things which could be construed as thinking that something associated with the Mushroom was funny. I was weak and delerious after suffering through their last issue, and at that point a bleeding child being rolled in a mixture of ground glass and rock salt would have seemed knee-slappingly hilarious. Thanks to everyone for providing material reminding me what is funny and what is not, especially the Reverend’s last message, which was definitively not funny. I beg your forgiveness.

Mu

A carrier pigeon soon brought a chilling response from the soldier on no one’s side, really…

No forgiveness. Death (Deth?) to MU…..

We all saw your response….

I love seeing my name in print….hehehehehe….I am such a dweeb

dethbot

Perhaps miffed at having forgotten to include Mu in the last mass CC, the Reverend paid a personal visit.

Mu, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal.

I must resist… the great deceiver’s tongue is silver but coated with venom… omm…

My point was to pass on to Kevin the reactions to my mail. My reason for handing off a copy to you was simply freedom of information, so nothing I said could ever be re-edited to someone’s advantage or disadvantage. I always include anyone I talk shit about in email, just to be fair. I know it’s an alien concept to you, but it works.

Actually, I wasn’t included in the reply. I had to rip the text off another site.

Thank you for keeping the world updated, and don’t worry, the Lord forgives all, including your mistaken perception that I was funny. As for making sense of my earlier mail, give up. The only thing in it for you was to make sure I didn’t make anything up and attribute it to you. I have no interest or desire in ever becoming a professional, except maybe a professional irritant.

Amateurism is key. It can work for you. I’m living proof! And once again, the "professionalism" cracks did not come from you (unless you’re ghost writing), so I have no idea why you’re so uptight about decrying them.

There MUST have been a point in that mail, and damned if I can figure it out, unless it was to prove "I can still lob off a few shots in this dead and forgotten saga, and people will sometimes react to it." Hell, even I can do that, and I suck.

The irony to me is the fact that even though I laugh at all these people claiming to have a future in this field, I can write better than most of you when I’ve been drinking all day, for example, today.

I wouldn’t know, as I am currently rocked off my ass on single malt Islay. The smell of the sea, the taste of iodine and battery acid.

As for Kevin, say about him what you will, but let me point out one thing. When I wrote an article that might have been over the line of both good taste and slander, a certain software firm’s PR weasel was all over Kevin, ordering him to pull the story. Kevin, who knows more about the Bill of Rights than you and I combined, stood his ground and did not pull the story. The PR weasel was livid, but the story can still be found in our archives. So, no matter what else goes on, the man has my respect. So, do your usual and post this, just make sure you spell everything correctly.

Kevin might be a saint in real life, but the genesis of this whole nonsense (which, although technically originated by your story, was largely not about that) was so sad it attained comedic proportions.

And wtf is a satire site doing listening to a PR guy anyway? No wonder the most biting commentary I’ve seen on the Mushroom is directed at NGR, fanboy sites, etc. For chrissake, don’t offend anyone!

I promise I will use my standard spell checking mechanism when I repost this, which is looking at the site a day later, saying "fuck", and loading up ftp again.

Peace of Jesus be upon ye,
The Reverend Sean Q. Doe

Ahura Mazda Protect Your Heathen Soul from Ahrimann,
Mu

And so the war comes to a close, HOPEFULLY, not with a bang, but with a whimper, as the participants insist on beating this dead horse into soft, gooey paste, way past the point anyone cares about it. What has the world learned from this travesty? Is it that Mu and Reverend Doe actually are kindred spirits, swilling down toxic amounts of ethanol while keeping a pointless topic alive way past its point of no interest? Is it that all websites, good and evil, should work together for a common goal? Perhaps the most valuable lesson, at least from this humble participant’s perspective, is that I better find something else to work on soon so I can stop updating this frigging epilogue.


A Plea for Humanitarian Aid

This heart-wrenching appeal for aid first appeared on Old Man Murray’s Rants.  It is being used with the blessings of Tycho Brahe of Penny Arcade.

2 Responses to “Everyone vs. The Mushroom”
  1. Non-specific Dope Here this by-product

  2. “You are will Then That DON he She any

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