Is it necessary for people to be utter retards all of the time?  I suppose so.  Problem is, it gets boring after a while to simply point out the idiocy of people in the pseudo-anonymous world of the MMORPG so that others can laugh at it, knowing for a fact that of course I’m not talking about them.  Except for those idiots whom I name personally.  They get mad and start whining a lot and mixing up their facts and their metaphors.  But I digress…

Since it has been quite some time since I updated, I might as well hit a whole lot of topics which have impressed me as "sort of interesting but not really worth the time and effort required to post about".  For the sake of the casual reader, I’ll try and do the most offensive bits first in order to save them the energy expended on reading the whole article and get right on the super whiny righteous blah blah the staff is not imbalanced waaah forum posting and email parade.

The Fucito Boy Situation

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with all the excitement over at Kynn’s site, it’s been loads of fun.  Short version: (big shock there) wrote to Kynn and, assuming that my interpretation of the pseudo-English that is his substitute for a language is generally correct, wanted Kynn to level him up by playing his character for a few days.

Let this sink in now.


As anyone who has somehow gotten some form of "attention" from a community as dysfunctional as the MMORPG crowd knows, you tend to get all sorts of lame requests from people out of the blue who assume that, because you have the wherewithal to use a WYSIWIG page editor and pay some host for hard disk space and a domain pointer, you are also the UNICEF of your chosen gaming arena.  Normally these requests are for such sundries as lists of spell formulae, a two-story house on Atlantic, or an infinite supply of the coin of the virtual realm to squander on things which get lost right away so the requestor can get right back to panhandling.  (People who just want to "be your pal" don’t preface their requests with an email; they just log in and start messaging you 8000 times while you’re trying to, oh, I dunno, play the goddamn game or something.)

Long and short of the situation (although I really think you should go check out the original… it’s really quite entertaining on many levels) is that Kynn logs on, immediately pages a Sentinel, and starts cursing until he gets banned for an hour.  Subsequently, the accoutn name and pass are printed on the page (okay, maybe not the brightest move in the world, but hey he’s a murderer, not a Rhodes scholar :P), various people log in on the account to take *ahem* "Superbrandon" on some amazing adventures, most of which deal with lots of vitae and Olthoi soldiers, and eventually some jackass deletes the beloved *cough* "Superbrandon" and changes the account password.  Everybody laughs a lot.

Then (let this be a lesson… don’t use AOL), who interestingly enough didn’t realize anything was amiss until 3 days of rampant posting on Kynn’s page went by unnoticed, starts crying a lot and suddenly everyone goes into crusader mode.  "Boo hoo Kynn, waah you did a bad thing, waah let’s get Kynn removed from AC, waah I lose all respect for Kynn (like this matters a whole lot… come on, we all basically know each other as anonymous agglomerations of 1’s and 0’s), waah waah wahh you’re bad I’m good waah".  This is immediately followed by The Artist Formerly Known As Superbrandon posting his own shit, the expected (i.e., "im gonign 2 comit sooiside b/c of kinn", "u r bad" "i dint do nething rong", etc.).  And, as expected, even though there is overwhelming evidence to suggest the axiom that is a moron and a beggar (as testified to by a number of Leafcullers), the assholes who took the opportunity to point out what a bad guy Kynn was continue to badger him down, including some rather famous people from well-respected gaming sites *coughCaerynDryadcough* based on the idea that now that they caught Kynn doing something "bad", it was their big moment to shine as defenders of the stupid.

Here are some basic ideas that people need to get straight before posting their halfwit analyses for the world to mock:

  • The internet is an essentially anonymous community.  Until the day that we all have UPC codes tattooed on the back of our necks, nobody knows who the fuck anyone is.  UO, with a "Mature" rating (whatever that means) is infested by adolescent douchebags.  Porno sites and IRC channels are populated mostly by pre-teen to teen entertainment seekers and the agents of The Man out to entrap those of us… err, the ones who have the right to be there.  This implies thing to remember #2…
  • Age is essentially meaningless on the internet, and thus implies no standards of expected behavior.  People love to make the case after some dork does something like ruin an RP event in UO, charges $20,000 on a credit card number stolen with Back Orifice, or expects someone to level up his character for him for nothing that, "He’s just a child!  Waah!"  News flash here:  kids are capable of dealing with situations, and learning from them.  Of course their ability to do this varies at different stages, which means yes some kids don’t know why you should keep account information private, or why you don’t walk in front of a bus, or why you shouldn’t agree to meet the nice person from the chat room in a dark rest stop off the New Jersey Turnpike at night for an exciting new game he has to show you.  This is why there are these often-faulty mechanisms called parents around.  Where are they?  Probably off with the rest of their colleagues, yukking it up at their lovers’ houses until the day something bad happens to their kid they can’t ignore, at which point they righteously come forth and blame it all on video games.
  • Some lessons are harder than others.  The loss of a "character" on a "server" in a "game" is pretty light compared with the kid at the rest area with the chat room trollers.

So what do I think about the kid?  Fuck the kid (metaphorically, not a la AOL chat room).  He did something dumb, and lost a bit of nothingness.  Waah.  Live and learn.  People have lost houses, characters, accounts, hundreds of hours of work that they did themselves in such arenas as Ultima Online, not to mention the real world, and nobody ever got into such a whiny froth as the assholes who were out to chastise Kynn on his message board.  Kynn admitted a mistake in posting the account information, as he ignored the highest tenet of online life:  other people are morons.  So, what do I think about the message board assholes?  Fuck the message board assholes.  With an Olthoi claw.  Sideways.  You are no longer allowed to read this page.

On a side note, I discovered this while looking through my old crappy code.  I was looking for it specifically because I recalled a story from the Kynn forum about Superbrandon standing around in Eastham spamming for armor.  Coincidence?  I think not.  In any case, whenever people try to get something for nothing, I’m going to accuse them of "pulling a Brandon".  The implications are chilling.

Brandon… That’s not a way to die
What do you do when you’re Brandon
Go to mommy and cry

(No one who hasn’t watched really late night TV will get this.)

Oh, one more thing in case some people don’t have enough fuel for their flaming email:  when some kid threatens suicide over something as incredibly stupid as *lol* "Superbrandon", it’s really a cry for help.  One which I like to ignore.  The one time out a million where a kid actually goes through with his professed plan of action, one can only sit back and marvel at the self-correcting mechanisms that the gene pool is blessed with, making a better tomorrow for those of us who will live a little bit longer.  Thank you.  (Those of you who are really offended may stop reading now and start whining.)

Sticky Monster Patch

When the new patch came in, I loved it.  The new models for golems, new skins for the drudges, overall a better look for the game.  Then I began to hear a lot of whining from people… "waah if they don’t change this I’m quitting, waah".  I finally figured out what the problem was when I walked into the direlands and saw the WaiJhou outpost, home to innumerable mid-level guys looking for phat lewt and experience, surrounded by corpses.  Lots and lots of corpses.  Tuskers had cut a swath through the teen-level archers and generic mages like an Olthoi pack through Superbrandon.

Then I really loved it.

I finally figured out what the big problem was.  Yes, the stickiness was a little overdone, which is typical of AC patches… overcorrect, then tone down.  (Incidentally, this is way better than the Origin patch system, where a patch to add colored sandals to the game can result in house and item decay and pigs gaining the ability to cast Flamestrike.)  It was a response to the problem that has been in place since final… magery and archery are far overpowered.  Note that melee being underpowered is not the issue, although you could make a case for it… there’s just no way I should be able to kill the stuff I can with a dinky level 43 mage.  3 tusker guards at once?  I personally believe that there has been a gradual correction of this with each update, magery getting just a little bit weaker, burn rates just a little bit higher, etc.  Mages who have been killing things at long range and then simply sidestepping or dodging melee attacks are now suddenly having to deal with being hit occasionally.  Very depressing for those who didn’t take melee defense *chortle*.  Here’s my tip of the day for those poor players who are plagued with the curse of occasionally being hit by the creatures they formerly slaughtered in the thousands without retribution:  GET SOME GODDAMN TACTICS.

It reminds me of the "coming out day" of so many magma draining mages, who fell prey to relatively easy critters as a result of the complacency that arises from standing behind a goddamn wall all day and casting Drain Health I over and over again.  Or the perching archer, suddenly surrounded by enemies and no rock ledge to jump on at 160 burden from a pack full of arrows.  Situations change; tactics have to as well.  Learn some defense spells other than Lifestone Recall.  Learn how to best avoid things you really don’t want to.  Learn how to be scared of things you should be scared of.

This brings me to something else which I have been talking about with friends of mine as I came back to AC after a month and a half of playing nothing but The Sims, Starcraft and System Shock 2…

What Keeps Me Playing

I suppose we all have to find something which keeps us interested in a pursuit like Asheron’s Call.  For some it’s the accumulation of virtual property and overpowered unique items.  For some it’s the sense of power that comes from being a leader of an allegiance of 493 people from your parents’ basement.  For others it’s the theoretical, the lure of the game engine and the snooty declarations of how you would have done it better.  However, none of these held my attention, nor did any of them seem important.  I have, however, found something which does keep me interested, and will keep me interested for a long time to come.

Watching idiots die.

This is more subtle than the rush of killing someone in PvP, or of killing a naked miner in UO and stealing his ingots, or even that special feeling you get deep down inside when you catch a pickpocket as he’s ripping you off in Bill’s Souvlaki in midtown Manhattan and, with a delicate application of leverage, send him screaming into the street with a snapped forearm and a popped elbow capsule.  Ahh, bliss.  But I digress…

The type of dying I am talking about is the kind that falls upon idiots, as a direct product of their own stupidity.  The losers who sit at the "Wailing Wall" in the Disaster Maze draining tuskers when the Virindi Servant comes around the corner for a little peek.  The jackass who followed you around and waited for you to attack things before initiating his own attack, to assure his own safety at your expense.  The morons who run in while you are killing the last of the 10+ monsters you barely survived through to loot your kills.  I love watching this happen.  While I lack the attention span and sense of vigilance required to be a PK at this point (which wouldn’t help anyway; I still can’t kill everyone I don’t like), I can sit back and have a wholesome laugh at the fate of the retard who’s been living large off my hard work as he gets ground into paste under the happy tap dancing feet of the critter who spawned in just the right place at the right time.

Believe it or not, I don’t want to relay any of the truly funny stories of getting idiots killed here, as I feel they might be better suited for… another section of the site.  I have heard 4 or 5 good ones now, and will try to get them straight so I can print them with as much attention to detail as possible.  If anyone else has a good one, please send it on in.  I won’t offer a prize, since it didn’t seem to help any previously, but if your story is really really good I can give you a nice tart apple maybe.  Mmmm.

People Who Are Misguided Enough to Impersonate Me


Amazing as it is, people have claimed to be me in game.  I have no idea why they would do this.  I don’t even claim to be me.  However, unlike that idiot ImaNewbie, I don’t want you to give them money, or kill them, or denounce them, or whatever.  Please,  just ask THEM when they’re going to update instead of me.  Thank you.  And by the way, this is what my typical chat window really looks like at any given time, so when I ignore your own /tell message, remember that it’s not just because I don’t want to deal with your imbecilic messages.  I have others to deal with at the same time.  😛

And now for an old issue that needs closure…

In regards to the frothing debate over the Staff of the Weeping Witness, I feel that the immature flaming and bantering has gone on too long.  (I still get an occasional email about it.)  In order to bring some resolution to this troubling issue, I would suggest that you first go and see what Chris L’Etoile printed on his .plan file about the staff issue (heading:  "Watch Me Balance a Staff on My Nose – January 20th, 2000").  Carefully peruse the article, and give some thought to what he says.  Right now.  I’ll comment shortly in the mature, adult manner that we all need in these troubled times.



We now return you to other, less mature, gaming sites.

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